Loops
by SomebodyLost
Summary: Marriage is an oath - it ties two people together, for better or worse, for the rest of their lives. But if their lives keep on repeating even after death, how can Itachi and Sakura keep their relationship and sanity intact? A collection of drabbles/one-shots throughout the lives of an unlikely couple. Sometimes crack, sometimes not.
1. 0 - Loop Rules and Guidelines

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**Loops**

by** SomebodyLost**

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0:** Time Looping Rules and Guidelines**

The rules/guidelines will be revealed as the story goes. I already wrote them down, so now all you need is patience as the story is revealed, chapter by chapter. Sometimes though, even if a chapter is released, a rule/guideline will not be revealed - it all depends on how the story calls for it.

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3) When a loop reaches an end point, it will _end_, regardless of what the loopers are experiencing and/or doing.

4) The length of each loop varies from one another; it can span from _one minute_ to a _lifespan_.

5) There are four types of loops: Regular, Irregular, Special, and Alternate-Universe. See **Further Explanation Regarding the Types of Loops** below for more information.

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**Further Explanation Regarding the Types of Loops:****  
****- **using loopers Uchiha (Haruno) Itachi and Haruno (Uchiha) Sakura as examples due to the unique nature of their looping -

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1) **Regular Loops****  
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They're loops based on canon, but within the couple's mandatory existence timeline.

What does **existence timeline** mean? Since the two are married, they are tied to each other, so in Regular Loops, it's quite mandatory that they _exist _**_together_** at the **_same_** time. The canon period(s) where they are **_both alive_**, Edo Tensei mode included, is/are the existence timeline of the two.

To clarify, the couple can't restart _before_ Sakura's conception – specifically, they can't reset to the point _before_ Sakura's brain was _developed_ in the womb – or the minute _after_ Itachi's deaths (which meant that they could not reset to the Pein Invasion Arc and the Kage Summit Arc but they can reset right at the point where Itachi was resurrected up until the point where he died again).

**Reset points for Regular Loops:**

Sakura's brain developed in mom's womb → up until Itachi's death at Itachi VS Sasuke fight = OK reset points.

Itachi's first death → Itachi's resurrection = NO reset points.

Itachi's resurrection from Edo Tensei → Itachi's second death = OK reset points.

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4) **Alternate-Universe Loops**

These are loops **_not_**_ based on canon_. Simple as that.

Too simple for you? Well, these AU Loops are, well, not based on canon! From samurai-verse, to modern-world-verse, to futuristic-sci-fi-verse, to simple what-if-verses...

(Because of this, I will ask some FF authors to use their verses in my story. Yes.)

The what-if-verses are types of AU Loops that deal with the characters that make decisions that they didn't do in canon. For example, Shisui manage to enslave the Uchiha to Konoha, which made the Massacre unnecessary, which led to a lot of things. Or another one is when the Rikudo Sennin didn't introduce chakra and ninjutsu, leaving humanity to focus in other ways of development.

The loopers can reset to **_any_**_ point_ and can reset **_regardless_**_ of their counterparts' existence_ because these loops are _not_ canon, therefore their existence timeline does not count in here. And like in Special Loops, if the loopers exist alongside their counterparts, their ages will be randomized.

As long as the loop is not based on canon, no matter how close to canon it is, a loop will be considered as an AU Loop.

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**Author's Notes/Ramblings:**

~ Welcome to my ItaSaku time loop story! I have seen stories about Sakura and Team Seven time looping, so I had to ask, why, _why, why_, is there no Itachi looping? So I made one.

~ This _Time Looping Rules and Guidelines_ page is located here, at the start, for everybody's convenience. The real story starts in the next page.

~ The story_ Loops_ is about traveling, or rather, Itachi and Sakura's travels, in various interpretations (time-wise, universe-wise, etc.).

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Thank you for your reviews and encouragements! Please read on!

~ Lost-chan


	2. Loop 158: Itachi Pursuit Arc 87

**Loops**

by** SomebodyLost**

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Loop #158: **Itachi Pursuit Arc #87**

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"I see… your death," Sasuke stated confidently. He looked on to That Man.

That Man just blinked back and looked… confused?

Sasuke scowled. Then he growled. That Man was underestimating him! It was as if the idea of his death hadn't even occurred to him!

Then That Man then blinked again. And again. And again.

… _silence…_

"… I… see…" That Man returned, a bit dazedly, looking every bit as if he just discovered the secret of life, as far as his poker face goes, all the while sounding somewhat resigned and… annoyed? Bored? Sasuke's ire steadily rose. The nerve! He was not some plaything that can just be thrown away after its entertainment. He was _the_ Avenger!

He was cut off from his inner ramblings and promises of death when That Man's demeanor shifted, although it didn't look like he did. Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Whatever that revelation was, it now made That Man totally relaxed on the throne, whereas earlier, when he entered, That Man was poised and deceptively calm, but there's also an underlying feeling of steel. That he could kill you any moment. Right now he's just… sitting. Positively chilling out. No killing or harmful intent. He even turned his Sharingan off.

For some unfathomable reason, his senses are now telling him that That Man is harmless as a civilian, despite his Akatsuki cloak and the darkness in the room giving off 'go away' vibes. No, his brother was now practically (lazily?) screaming for him to come into the dark because he has cookies. Soft chewy cookies.

Sasuke inwardly shook his head. No! He will fall for his stupid trick again! That Man played the role of the kind, older brother before he revealed his true colors, so now he's trying for the bored, I-am-underestimating-you-so-take-this-advantage-because-I-wasn't-expecting-it-and-oh-come-join-me-in-the-dark-side-I-have-cookies persona to defeat him, Uchiha Sasuke? Said Uchiha smirked. He wasn't a genius for nothing, after all.

"I can see through your genjutsu," Sasuke goaded, "It's useless." After all, he never liked sweets.

In response, That Man lowered his eyelids a bit and raised his hand to his mouth. The younger Uchiha tensed, preparing to dodge and counterattack the upcoming Katon jutsu.

Then That Man yawned. For three seconds. Then he licked his lips.

Sasuke blinked.

What.

Sasuke angrily gripped his katana. The bastard was dissing him off! That Man looked as if he didn't want to be there at all! He was staring somewhere off, obviously occupied with thinking about something else.

"ITACHI!" Sasuke fumed. He had had enough. He was going to make _him_ pay.

"Wha-?" That Man blinked away his thoughts, looking at him as if he remembered that he was supposed to fight his younger sibling. Said sibling draw his katana, chakra humming in the blade.

"Hn," That Man eyed him lazily, "troublesome."

"…"

_What_.

He did not just said that. Sasuke blinked again.

"…" That Man just looked at him, not really seeing him, apathetically, smugly, positively, _bored_.

He did say it.

Sasuke saw red and attacked.

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Itachi effortlessly made a clone without hand signs when his little brother charged head-on earlier, clearly murderously angry because of… something… whatever. Itachi inwardly shrugged. He didn't know; he wasn't really paying attention.

It was probably something about revenge again. How many times had he heard that again?

Itachi idly watched from the sidelines, hidden by the shadows of the room. His clone kept on dodging and throwing genjutsu to make his little brother run headfirst into the walls. Even his clone was bored and was looking for ways to amuse himself.

Itachi sighed as Sasuke extracted himself from a Sasuke-shaped dent on the wall. Foolish little brother. There were times like these that made him a tiny bit ashamed of being associated as Sasuke's brother. Granted, he has the advantage of being more knowledgeable about the ropes and motions of the world due to the loops, but really, running into a wall three times is really pathetic.

He still loved his brother, though. That would never change. Even if in eighty percent of the loops Sasuke either comes out psychotic or emo.

Regardless of that love, this was just one of those moments that warrant an I-really-wish-I-wasn't-here-right-now button. He was in heaven before!

He was enjoying his dango when the loop reset, lounging naked with his lovely wife after a very pleasurable romp. At least, Itachi thought with solace, it didn't reset thirty minutes before, or else Sakura would've arrived here already, no-holds-barred, maddened enough to not care about displaying her skills and knowledge to butcher Madara/Tobi/Obitobi/Tobito/whatever. One of these days she'll definitely jump him in front of everybody.

Which is not good when resetting to this point of time; he has a deadly disease, damn it! He's dying. He won't be able to keep up; he would most likely literally die from orgasm before she reaches her own.

And that makes a rabid and unhappy Sakura. Itachi shuddered. All of the people will probably hear them when she catches him in the next loop, and he _really_ did not want his sex life to be broadcasted. Even if it gives him a sense of satisfaction of getting one over Sasuke.

Speaking of his little brother…

"- are you scared Itachi?" Sasuke sneered, walking towards him, breathing heavily and bleeding from some cuts in the head. Then he stumbled headfirst to the ground.

Itachi blinked. Wait, what? He ignored the rasping heap - whatever it just said now entirely forgotten - on the ground and looked around.

Smoldering mounds of rocks laid around, most of the wall was destroyed, and the ceiling was starting to dangerously cave in.

Oh.

His brother managed to destroy his clone after numerous meetings between Sasuke's head and the walls, making the shadows moot to hide in. Sasuke valiantly tried to stand up, leaning on a destroyed wall for support. He grasped his head while glaring at his older brother.

Itachi frowned when he finally deigned to glance at his brother. Sasuke was bleeding and suffering from too much concussions to the head. He'll be insane in no time.

Well, his wife did tell (accuse) him from time to time (always) that it was his fault for neglecting his brother's mental and emotional well-being, which made Sasuke unstable more than half the time. Killing an entire clan off and then telling the orphan to _"hate me despise me run run run cling to your pathetic life live in an unsightly way"_ - Itachi smiled a little when he remembered Sakura mocking and mimicking his line in an exaggeratedly cute manner - is not conducive to good health and instilling loyalty to Konoha, after all.

_"For all your genius, that took you a bloody long time to realize,"_ his then-girlfriend pummeled that lesson well into his head. He was, after all, the one who made his sibling start on a revenge streak and left the rest of the village to deal with with the mess.

So he, as a responsible older brother, the ever-loyal Leaf shinobi, who saw his little brother suffer too much in almost all of the loops, will remedy this before the situation becomes unsalvageable.

"Were you trying to scare me, little brother?" Itachi blinked innocently, inwardly pleased with his little brother's following peeved expression.

Or he could have fun and troll the brat. His dango heaven was destroyed just to have a loving reunion with his mentally-challenged brother, after all. Not to mention the fact that he always gave his life/lives for Sasuke, and more often than not, the little spunk would always spit on his sacrifice and play house with the snake and mask freak. So what could one loop do?

"Heh," Sasuke slurred, "you shuddered," his mouth was bleeding. How did he notice the shudder when he was now obviously not right in the head? "I broke your genjutsu. Your invincible, prized Mangekyou was defeated!" he cackled madly. Itachi didn't dare say that he wasn't even using his Sharingan, that he was instead relying on his other senses, lest Sasuke slip further away.

Black markings started crawling on his brother's body. He was using Orochimaru's cursed seal to heal himself and get a power boost. Itachi sighed. Seriously, the guy's presence just screams _'pedophile'_ and _'creepy'_. He gives hickeys to children and invites them to live with him, for crying out loud!

Orochimaru also has a horrible fashion sense (Itachi, being Sakura's husband, was well-acquainted with her best friend Yamanaka Ino - after loops of masculine insecurity and embarassment, he can now proudly attest that he knows the ins and outs of fashion due to Ino's numerous 'are-you-the-right-guy-for-Sakura'-exams that she dishes out to various suitors; knowing good fashion is a large plus in Ino's book, and it made the woman less troublesome), which is totally understandable if you spend all of your time surrounded by dead, creepy experiments or grotesque missing-nins who didn't know fashion even if it bit them.

Itachi eyed Sasuke's purple ass-bow with distaste. He could understand that the cursed seal is not really removable on the whims of the user and that Sasuke obviously scorned the snake. But the bow can be removed and it was practically a marker of being an underling of the Snake Sannin - so why did his little brother keep the bow?

A charge of chakra in the air disturbed him from his thoughts of burning the ass-bow. Sasuke was charging Kirin. The ceiling wouldn't hold now for much longer. Zetsu would then have a clear view from the outside. Escaping would be difficult as he _really_ didn't want to deal with the bipolar plant-guy.

_I want my dango. Then a lunch of cabbages. Then dango again, _Itachi bitterly wished. He didn't have time to draw seals for chakra-absorption or Hiraishin, so when Kirin struck Itachi activated his Mangekyou and Susanoo. Afterward, he immediately directed healing chakra to his eyes and wiped the tears of blood.

The dust cleared and Sasuke was panting. Any minute now the instigator of the purple ass-bow will appear like a deprived pedophile and attempt to assault him. Itachi smirked in anticipation. A thorough beating will be given this time. Then he'll seal him.

A slight prickle of chakra affected his senses. Zetsu was watching the show. Hmm, what if he hoist Orochimaru by his own body-usage-techniques-petard so that he can escape...?

A huge explosion erupted from where Zetsu was, cutting of Sasuke's ramblings and Itachi's thoughts. Zetsu exploded. That was wrong. That did not happen before. Zetsu exploding would not happen unless…

_Sakura. _

Itachi paled.

_Oh dear oh dear oh dear… _Itachi panicked, his eyes wide, his Sharingan flashing on and off in his distress. He forgot that she asked (demanded) for a round two. He acquiesced on the condition that he be allowed to eat his dango first. Damn, he took too long and got lost on dango bliss again!

Itachi inwardly swore as he twisted to dodge an attack, making Sasuke careen headfirst into the throne, crashing it down and making a huge dust cloud in the process. Itachi idly noted that Sasuke is on the verge of being unconscious. He quelled the urge to tap his brother's forehead senseless for his stupidity.

After all, he has more important things to consider. Sakura is coming! Maybe he should kill himself to reset the loop…?

"I~ta~chi~chan~!" a purr came from ways behind. _Dang-o it._

Sakura gracefully walked towards him, hips swaying. He immediately (regrettably) turned his Sharingan off, glad that his near-blindness would blur his vision so that he won't be tempted to jump her. Even then, Sakura's soft, sensual voice massaged his ears, and he fisted his hands to stop himself from reaching out and ravishing her _right **now**_.

A slow finger trailed his shoulder blades, and Itachi resolutely kept his gaze on his bleeding brother, determined not to gaze at his wife. Unfortunately, her attempts got more aggressive, and now she was draping her front over his back. Trying to ignore the soft, _braless_, mounds, Itachi immediately switched targets and looked at the rest of the newcomers. His brother's merry band of misfits was there, too, eyeing the spectacle.

The minx was purposefully seducing him! In front of her teammates as well! When did she manage to take off her bra? _Why_ did she take off her bra in the first place? And does this woman have any shame at all?

_No wait, she doesn't_, Itachi thought with a scowl. That was his fault for being a supportive husband and soothing her out of her insecurities. And, as usual, he was too good at the job.

Her teammates are displaying various expressions of wariness -_ and lust_, Itachi twitched with annoyance as Naruto fought back a nosebleed - of her though, probably due to the fact that she managed to annihilate Tobi. No wait - Itachi blinked - Tobito was alive, crying on Kakashi's shoulder?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" the moron wailed, hugging his (former?) best friend's chest. Kakashi just awkwardly patted him on the head. "It's alright…" Kakashi consoled him, quite unsure why Obito was apologizing.

Since his sensei was occupied with the crying buffoon, Naruto took that as a cue to glare at Itachi, looking straight at his eyes, the idiot lost in anger to forget that the Uchiha can activate his Sharingan any time and introduce his ass to Tsukiyomi. "_YOU_ BASTARD!", Naruto pointed at him, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO SASUKE!?", he gestured at the youngest Uchiha struggling to stand up, chest heaving from exertion.

Itachi locked eyes with Sakura, silently pleading _not now, but I'll make it better later _to assuage her should she even think of jumping him unawares in front of everybody. Smirking sexily, Sakura nodded, obviously giddy with anticipation.

Itachi sighed in relief. Crisis averted temporarily, he then calmly looked back to his brother, noting that the seal was receding.

"I did not do anything," Itachi calmly replied, "I was merely dodging his attacks. His irrationality made him prone to stupid mistakes."

The rest, except Sakura, who knows full well the depths Sasuke's insanity can dive to, glared at him skeptically. The others, the ones Itachi knew that are quite level-headed, eyed him curiously, noting that he didn't have his doujutsu activated.

To prove his point, Sasuke rose, charged a Chidori as a last resort, and madly lunged forward. Itachi and Sakura audibly sighed, knowing that he's already far gone, and spun gracefully to the avoid the Avenger. Itachi, knowing the questions that would arise - although with Sakura seducing him earlier would ask questions anyway - forcibly curbed his protective instinct to protect his wife, squashing memories of Sakura being impaled by Chidori too many times. She can handle herself and he's proud of her for that.

Landing to the side, he heard Sasuke struggling to stand up. Although he was proud of his brother's pigheadedness and determination to kill him in the previous loops, right now it's merely _troublesome_.

Something made his beloved brother insane this quickly. Whatever that was, it was now deluding Sasuke so much that he mistook Itachi's non-action for being terrified.

"You're" _wheeze_ "scared"_ cough_ "I'm"_ choke_ "your night -" subsequent hacking followed. Itachi heard his wife tsk-ing, and he imagined the previous Sasukes and their crazed, bloodshot eyes and drooling countenance on this one.

He was finally starting to live in an unsightly manner. Itachi quelled the urge to slam his face to wall like before. He wanted to correct his brother that he didn't mean it _literally_, but ultimately, his fear of his wife's predatory gaze took over. _Finish this._

"Scared of you? Hardly," Itachi scoffed, pointedly glancing at his wife's face. He felt the rising anger of the jinchuuriki somewhere behind him for belittling his best friend. Oh, how Itachi wished that the killing intent radiating from the others overcome his wife's disturbingly sexy smirk! "You have not seen true terror."

He then faced the rest of the assembly, keeping his wife on the periphery in case she tried something. "I have seen the elderly people, the _council_, **_nude_** in broad daylight," he addressed them, suppressing a shudder. The others' eyes were wide, trying to comprehend the horror. "After that, I. Feared. **_Nothing_**," he finished adamantly.

Itachi remembered that loop where Sakura and he made a contest on who gets to crack the most people. Hyuuga Hiashi wore a tutu for a week, but his wife was able to make Danzō, Homura, and Koharu ran from one end of Konoha to another naked. Unfortunately, Sakura up until this day, refused to reveal how she did it. It would've been fun to make the masked prick truly mental.

Sasuke, now certifiably psychotic, ignored him. He stepped forward, his face twisted in the ugliest, furious, insane sneer Sakura has ever seen. It was so _unsightly_ that she could've swore that Itachi's blindness would not be able to shield his brain from the sight. Sasuke's chakra store was depleted though, and for some reason, his expression stayed even when he dropped like a stone.

Too bad Itachi didn't see it properly. Said Uchiha just raised a brow at his brother's antics.

Naruto, meanwhile, made up his mind to persuade Baa-chan to remove the mission of taking care of elder people in the retirement home from the D-rank rosters. The horrors must have been terrifying to knock Itachi off his bonkers to drive him to kill his clan. Sasuke was the youngest of the clan at that time, so his youth (he immediately quelled thoughts of Gai and Lee and Sasuke in a green spandex) probably saved him.

Said Uchiha groaned on the ground.

Silence ensued.

Sakura, ignoring the cautious glances that her teammates were now tossing between her and the elder Uchiha, was happy that Itachi didn't look like dying any time soon. But most importantly she was gleeful that the nutcase is already out. Her teammates can drag the loony's ass back to Konoha (again) and she can now finally, _finally_, resume her activities with her husband.

Alas, Sasuke's cursed seal emitted a sinister chakra, and a white snake started to emerge. Sakura's impulsive scowl was quickly replaced by a bloodthirsty grin. She's got a pedophile to take care of and nobody, _no one else_, would nail her Itachi-kun.

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**Author's Notes/Ramblings:**

~ Welcome to an ItaSaku loop story! I have seen stories about Sakura and Team Seven time looping, so I had to ask, why, _why, __**why**_, is there no Itachi looping? It might be because he's serious and all, so I, being an ItaSaku shipper, added Sakura!

There were also time loops where the characters get laid with various characters, and although the story was written in a pretty funny way, I don't approve of infidelity.

… yes, I am referencing Innortal's _The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style_. I have nothing against it. I read it when I want crack, and it's pretty much entertaining and innovative, but meh, I just don't approve of multiple sexual partners.

~ This fic's story will not be in a chronological order. You will get to see how Sakura and Itachi got in a relationship and all in the future chapters.

~ I'm pretty aiming for a crack fic here, but meh, let's see where Itachi and Sakura's (in)sanity takes us, neh?

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Thank you for reading. I hope that I cracked a smile or two on your faces, so please review!

~ Lost-chan


	3. Loop 457: Bathtub

~ I recommend listening to _"Roses And Wine"_ from the FFVIII soundtrack and _"Eyes On Me"_ from the FFVIII Piano Collections while reading this chapter.

~ I _did_ say that not all chapters will be crack…

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**Loops**

by **SomebodyLost**

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Loop #457: **Bathtub**

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"The next time you need help killing your clan, call me," Sakura snarled, stomping towards the bathroom past Itachi, who just entered her apartment via the window.

Sighing, he trailed after her into the room as his wife undressed and stepped into the tub filled with hot water. He followed her in after locking the door and reached for his wife as he settled in the tub. She snuggled in his arms as he started rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"What did they do this time?", he asked quietly.

She huffed on his chest. "Your prickly daddy and his old foggies picked on me just because I'm a _'lowly civilian'_," she glared at one particular nipple that seemed to be teasing her. She flicked it and started doodling on its surrounding flesh with her finger, ignoring Itachi's sharp intake of breath. "Bastards."

The woman's ministrations was already affecting him as he felt his body respond. Itachi can't still understand why Sakura was very oblivious on how tempting she is when she's not actively seducing him, like now.

"Seriously!", the woman ranted on, glad to have a sounding board, "I behaved and interacted the way that those geezers wanted in an Uchiha wife, but they brushed me off just because I'm a civilian at this loop?! They'll just make the poor kunoichi who marries you retire, so it's just the same as being a civilian!"

She raised her head immediately and glared at his eyes straight on, stopping every other movement, "You're not marrying any other woman."

Greatly amused by her possessiveness, he smirked and nodded. Her ire seemed to diffuse at this and she propped her chin while keeping their gazes connected. Itachi let her cool down for a few moments before speaking.

"If they show signs of attempting another coup, feel free to thrash them around," his eyes glinted in mischief. "Just be sure to tell me so that I can inform the Hokage to give you an excuse."

The unsaid_ 'But don't harm Sasuke or Shisui if you can help it'_ was heeded. He cared about the clan, yes, but a little humiliation never hurt anyone.

"Coup or no coup, if they start insulting my parents and friends, I'll break their old bones." Sakura swung one leg over her husband's thighs and cuddled deeper.

Itachi continued his massage on her back, eyes appreciatively roaming the nymph before him. "You'll need the coup as an excuse to outright level the landscape. You have to be subtle," he admonished gently.

Sakura had a thoughtful look on her face. "Poison?"

At Itachi's frown, she relented, but still rolled her eyes, "Yes, yes, I understand: no killing unless it's by self-defense."

Then she smirked. "Laxative, then."

He smirked back.

A peaceful silence ensued as the two proceeded to stare at the other, each basking in the comfort of the moment.

"It'll be hard to sneak in to the shrine," she mumbled, not wanting to disrupt the peace. Now a bit placated, she continued her doodlings on his nipple.

"I left a Hiraishin seal at the southwest corner of the room," he responded just as softly.

Sakura rested the side of her face on his shoulder. "It would be suspicious if I just started destroying the compound with my bare fists."

"The Hokage already knows about our situation. We can tell the others that I trained you for... _basic_ self-defense."

"You told Tsunade-shisou? Since when?"

"Just earlier. She was starting to get suspicious on who was destroying the training grounds at dawn."

"Shisui didn't repair the grounds? Even when I healed him after our spars?"

"He told me that you were handful already, and that he usually only has enough chakra to get back home and sleep. Besides, Shisui is not proficient in earth-based ninjutsu."

"So Tsunade-shisou's going to assign you to repair the grounds from now on? Shisui's a handful too; I also usually don't have chakra left after healing us both after our spars."

"Aa, I will," he nodded. "But she wants you to share every medical technique that you've learned and invented."

"All of it?"

"All of it."

Sakura hummed under her breath and eyed his other nipple. She lazily dragged her finger on it and drew more patterns.

"She would support us and give us alibis if a situation arises." Itachi told her, his fingers getting tangled in her long pink tresses.

Sakura returned her gaze on his warm, onyx eyes, smiling cheekily at that. "Poison?"

Itachi poked her forehead with his free hand. "No," but his eyes were filled with mirth.

They fell in silence again.

Gently, still keeping his eyes on her form, Itachi lifted his little mate and mounted her on his lap, her legs and knees now on either side of him. Sakura leaned and placed her lips on his, encircling her arms around his neck and head, while he in turn grasped her lower back and maintained his rhythmic pattern, entangling more pink hair between his fingers.

They kissed languorously, taking their time as they communicated their feelings for each other.

Eventually, the need for air arose, and Itachi moved steadily, planting soft kisses on his wife's jaw on the way to her ear. There, he nibbled on her ear before stopping and taking lungfuls of air, breathing in her scent as he tried to calm his heart.

Sakura, though, was puzzled why he stopped, so she pulled away to look at his face. He was smiling tenderly.

"I love you," he stated simply.

Smiling, Sakura tried to stop her tears, but it was to no avail. She felt her husband wiping them away, his rough pads smoothing her cheeks and the skin below her eyelids.

"And I, you."

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**Author's Note/Ramblings:**

~ Yay, my first fluff! But even if I thought that it was too light, I think that it suffices! I can't write lemon, y'know? But consider this as a belated Valentine's fic. :3

~ This was meant to be crack at first, but it steered to fluff for some reason. Bah.

~ Anyhoo, I might continue writing about this particular loop in the future in some other chapter. Maybe. Actually, I can/might do that for every chapter...

~ You are free to give ideas, suggestions, and prompts! Do it in this format though: six words in one sentence. yes. :D

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Thank you for your support!

~ Lost-chan


	4. Loop 254: Variety: Tsukiyomi

**Loops**

by** SomebodyLost**

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Loop #254: **Variety is the Spice of Life: Tsukiyomi**

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"This is Tsukiyomi, one of the most powerful genjutsu in existence. Only those with the Mangekyō Sharingan can perform - "

Itachi instantly halted all movement and glanced at his outstretched hand; he was holding a katana. The katana that nearly plunged through a stomach.

A stomach that belongs to Hatake Kakashi, who was hung on a crucifix.

Oh.

Really now. He _really_ hated resetting to a point of mid-speaking. Whatever he was saying would always be cut off when his looping mind tried to adjust at whatever current events that are happening at the reset point.

Yes, it wasn't so bad as resetting to mid-Massacre, mid-dodging, or worst, mid-dying points, but it was annoying. _Very_ annoying.

He narrowed his eyes.

Hatake-sempai was unnaturally stiff on the wooden cross. He seemed to sweat more when Itachi became visibly annoyed (the rule for stoic people is that when their emotions became visible, it means that they are actually experiencing it a hundred-fold), as if the Copy-nin was bracing himself for more pain. A bit confused, Itachi blinked, his mind snapping back to the present. He noticed that he was still gripping the katana, the blade hovering threateningly centimeters away from Kakashi's stomach. Sheepish at being caught daydreaming, he automatically gave a reassuring smile - the one he gave to children whenever they become curious as to who he is.

From time to time, whenever he and Sakura get tired from being a shinobi, they just generally drop whatever they were doing and engage in a vacation, ranging from settling to a random, remote, cozy village to traveling all over the Elemental Nations. His peaceful demeanor always attracted children, and as children wont to do, they would soon become inquisitive and ask him questions. Dealing with happy, curious children always made him smile.

His mind preoccupied with a memory of Sakura playing with some orphans, he absently lowered the weapon, widening his smile at the warmth gleaned from the memory, all the while continuing his eerie stare, not really seeing what's in front of him. Kakashi stared back, disturbed beyond all reason with Itachi's crap-eating grin, unaware that his captor's face only looked creepy because of the red lighting and the general intimidating feeling of the genjutsu. Maybe he should just stay quiet…

As Kakashi busied himself in trying to disappear into the wooden cross, Itachi snapped back to the present, and only two words are in his mind...

_... Now what?_

If he was correct, it was Akatsuki's 'debut' and that he popped in at Konoha to scare the Elders off. Currently, he was supposed to be torturing Kakashi as a means of giving indirect information; they would surely meet Tobito in the future, and that he can cast Tsukiyomi, so it was imperative that Konoha know of its dangers so that they can be prepared when they meet him.

Ignoring Kakashi's confused but slightly relieved gaze, Itachi looked around the dreary red-and-monochrome world. He huffed.

He was in a good mood as things went just fine at the last loop. His wife won the Best Actress award for the thousandth time, and currently, he really was just... resigned about their unique circumstances. But he was proud and content of his wife's achievements, although Sakura might be a bit peeved that she was whisked mid-speech. But at least it wasn't during mid-sex.

But again, now what? He didn't really want to torture his sempai, but as the ever-loyal Leaf shinobi, he needed to warn Konoha... somewhat. Again. Maybe. Should he?

Itachi slumped his shoulders. He's too old for all this crap.

He already did a lot of things in Tsukiyomi, and making his sempai as a living pincushion just for giggles at this point was unnecessarily cruel, but he was _bored_. So what can he do now? He's in a realm where he can do everything he pretty much wanted to do, but his creative juices just didn't feel like working.

Itachi titled his head to the side, returning his gaze back to his now-visibly sweating sempai. What had he done already?

* * *

**Loop #14:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will experience your worst nightmares," Itachi monotoned.

* * *

**Loop #20:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will pay for all the free meals that you weaseled away from your comrades, Kakashi-sempai. Every. _Single_. **_One_**," Itachi monotoned, "cheapskate."

* * *

**Loop #22:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will live in a world where eating, cooking, speaking, singing, touching, and pleasuring yourself with tomatoes is banned under pain of being thrown to rabid fangirls," Itachi monotoned as glorious trees of tomatoes (yes, in Tsukiyomi tomatoes can grow in trees) sprung from the earth around them, their fruits gleaming temptingly.

Various creatures - which Sasuke belatedly realized as fangirls - whooped through the air, swing through vines as their tattered clothes fluttered behind them, eating and chomping the sacred fruit without a care.

(Itachi learned later that Sasuke refused to eat any other food besides tomatoes.)

* * *

**Loop #30:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will be chased by rabid fangirls and transvestites, all armed with the Byakugan, Sharingan, and Rinnegan, nonstop," Itachi monotoned.

(Sasuke never defected because he never recovered, regressing to autism.)

* * *

**Loop #44:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will relieve your potty training," Itachi monotoned. "Come here, Sasuke-chan," he waved a diaper and chased the chibified Sasuke, calling himself as the evil Tobi.

* * *

**Loop #58:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will bear witness to Killer Bee's rap concert. You have VIP tickets to the front row and an exclusive backstage meet-and-greet with the star," Itachi monotoned, fashioning a cap out nowhere and putting it on, sideways.

Feeling a bit under the weather (what weather?), he changed his cloak into a more appropriate loose black shirt with the words 'AKATSUKI GANGSTA' emblazoned at the back.

"Yo, my littlest brotha," Itachi continued, bored, as he brandished his lone necklace and rings as a sad attempt for showing off bling, "wassamatta?"

(Sakura later told him that for all his genius, he was very lame in rapping. And that _no_, rapping is not the same as poetry.)

* * *

**Loop #72:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will witness various scenes from the Icha Icha series starring Maito Gai and Rock Lee. Complete with complementary narration," Itachi monotoned.

Summoning chains to secure Kakashi's frantic, struggling form to prevent even an ounce of mobility, he began to recite from memory - changing the lead characters' names and adding some quirks that the two shinobi had - with barely hidden disgust and sadism with the situation.

But Itachi had to endure. This was Kakashi's punishment for blackmailing him at the last loop to read the series with his Sharingan active.

He cleared his throat, inwardly fighting to keep his revulsion from coloring his monotone, "_'Gai hovered above, his thick brows wagging, his member ready and stiff, "Oh Lee, my most youthful flower..."_

* * *

**Loop #94:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will witness what Orochimaru does to pre-pubescent boys such as yourself, little brother. If you ever go to him, please do guard your virginity…" Itachi monotoned, summoning a comfy-looking bed surrounded with live snakes and scented candles.

(Unfortunately, the loop ended before Itachi started the nightmare…)

* * *

**Loop #118:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, little brother, you will witness the horrible night that you were conceived," Itachi monotoned.

As Sasuke screamed in horror and disgust, Itachi closed his eyes, murmuring, "Now you know why it wasn't such a hard choice to kill the clan…"

* * *

**Loop #146:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will endure an endless, looping song filled with remixes of various influential people's catchphrases, such as _'Dattebayo'_, _'Un'_, _'Yeah'_, _'Art is a blast!'_, _'Art is eternal!'_, _'Katsu!'_, _'Jashin-sama'_, _'Pein'_, _'Dattebane'_, _'YOUTH'_, and your sensei's perverted giggling." Itachi monotoned, "Shannaro."

(Itachi regretted this torture so much that he spent the entire fortune of the Uchiha clan in the next loop applying for therapy from the Yamanaka clan to erase the ghastly memor - wait, so why was he remembering this now?!)

* * *

**Loop #162:**

Itachi, situated in a safe place (which he knew was an entirely moot point because he controlled the whole realm of Tsukiyomi, but unpleasantly, Itachi found out that with centuries of experience, his proficiency with genjutsu was so was impressive that he sometimes craps himself with his overactive imagination; in other words, be safe than sorry), far, _far_, **_far_** away from the spectacle, stared at his brother, who was in cage overhanging a pit filled with maniacal, screaming women of all ages.

"Foolish little brother," his tone was soft, and the shrieks of the banshees in the pit threatened to overwhelm his voice, but seeing as this was his world, Sasuke heard him anyway because Itachi wanted the younger Uchiha to hear him, "a large number of women were willing to lay their wombs for you and your dream of reviving the clan, yet you choose the snake pedophile?"

The older Uchiha was _so_ **_sick_** of seeing that offending ass-bow that Sasuke ALWAYS wears, for some twisted reason, whenever he defects.

"What the hell do you mean by that?!" Sasuke screeched in a manner most unbefitting of the usually cool, stoic Uchiha, as a female banshee - how OLD was she? - grabbed his ankle and tried to claw its way up. He kicked her - _it_ - off with his other foot, wincing in pain as some of its dentures managed to embed themselves on his leg.

Itachi ignored him and lowered the chain holding the cage by a foot. The banshees howled with hysterical glee and proceeded to rip each other in another attempt to reach the hyperventilating Sasuke. "You will now learn a painful lesson on why you should never ignore a female's attentions and why you should never enrage them when they are on their periods."

(As Sakura was the only female that wasn't included in the genjutsu, Sasuke proceeded to hound her relentlessly to get her to marry to him, that is, when he wasn't busy trying to date other guys. Suffice to say, when Sakura found out about the genjutsu, she banned Itachi sex for the rest of loop.)

* * *

**Loop #170:**

"Yosh," Itachi monotoned, lazily pumping a fist in the air. "For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will undergo extreme training to awaken the maximum potential of your youth."

Suddenly, Sasuke found his clothes morphing into a blue spandex, tightening in various areas, particularly the crotch.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…" he scrambled, trying to tear his clothes into the respectable state from before. He then felt his hair slowly wrap itself around his head and harden into a rock-like density.

Itachi helpfully conjured a mirror, and Sasuke all but scampered to it, feeling the weights on his legs slow him down, fearing the worst. His eyes widened, and with his Sharingan activated, he imprinted the memory on his brain.

Kami.

Sasuke couldn't help his wails of anguish when his eyebrows started growing.

Itachi thought that the sunset genjutsu completed the picture perfectly with the crying Sasuke.

* * *

**Loop #198:**

Itachi looked at his brother with all the sympathy that he could muster on his poker face.

"I'm sorry."

Sasuke was taken aback. "What?"

"For being an irresponsible older brother."

"Irrespons- YOU _KILLED_ THE **ENTIRE CLAN!**"

"Yes," Itachi agreed nonchalantly, "but I have been keeping tabs on you." He summoned the Sandaime's folder for Konoha orphans - its contents memorized when he procured it in one of his reigns as Rokudaime Hokage - and grabbed Sasuke's file. He tsked.

"According to this," he elegantly flipped some pages, "you were too focused on revenge that you bypassed every other skill - " Itachi skillfully ignored his brother's rants and continued, " - imperative for your future, like cooking, making friends, courting, and… sex?" The older Uchiha schooled his face into a mask of confusion.

"That's not important!"

Itachi blinked. He knows what Sasuke is going on about but, ah, well, this was his punishment when he barged into his _happy time_ with Sakura at the last non-massacre loop. "How are you going to revive the clan if you don't know about sexual reproduction?" his tone was quizzical.

"I know about sex!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Then pray, explain it to me then."

"W-why?"

"Because I doubt your education."

Sasuke stared. His mental faculties seemed to have shut down.

"It seems you don't really know," his foolish younger brother was still silent.

Itachi went for the kill.

"When a man and a woman loves each other…"

* * *

**Loop #222:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, every copy of Icha Icha will be burned, destroyed, and annihilated before your very eyes," Itachi monotoned, pointing a perfectly-manicured finger up.

Piles and piles of Icha Icha book series started appearing on the empty, dry ground. Above, akin to feathers falling from heaven, pages of the book started fluttering down. Kakashi watched with morbid fascination, idly being reminded of the sleeping genjutsu used in the recent Chunin Exams.

It was, simply, _heaven_.

Abruptly, black, hellish fires rained and crashed on the white landscape of glorious literature. Kakashi started thrashing to try to save even _one_ page, but in the last moment, reeled himself in.

"No!" he shouted in his mind, determined, "this only a genjutsu. This is not real!"

"Aa, yes," Itachi agreed, able to hear the Copy-nin's thoughts in this realm, "this is only a genjutsu." He nabbed an innocent page fluttering down and held it in front of his wife's sensei. Kakashi seemed hypnotized on the paper, trying to read the small letters, as Itachi moved his hand from side to side.

"But the pain is real, is it not?"

The sheet burst into flames.

* * *

**Loop #238:**

"For the next seven-one hours, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds, you will watch as I court your former number one fangirl, Haruno Sakura," Itachi monotoned, conjuring a memory of one of their recent honeymoons.

Sasuke scoffed, "That's hardly torture."

Itachi was undeterred. "We will have pink-haired, emotionally constipated, Uchiha babies."

Sasuke couldn't help but widen his eyes at that, but his Uchiha pride kicked in and he tried to regain his composure. "S-so what?" he stammered.

Itachi tilted his head to the side, pondering the conundrum for a few moments. Finally, he spoke, "You are right; that is not traumatizing enough."

The elder Uchiha resolutely made up his mind, "Since you're obviously masochistic by goading me when _I_ am the one in control, you will then witness us create the babies." Sasuke won't remember this anyway for the next loop.

Sasuke lost consciousness before witnessing anything.

Itachi pouted.

_Damn_.

* * *

Itachi was jumbled from his musings when his sempai - using seventy hours, forty-five minutes, and fifty-two seconds of Tsukiyomi-time - gave a **_very_** long howl of agony.

As he neared unconsciousness and insanity, the Uchiha idly looked around and saw the last dredges of his memories fading.

Oh. So he was recollecting and showing pieces of his memories in Tsukiyomi somehow…

He eyed the spasming shinobi on the cross with morbid fascination. That… was new.

_Ah, well_, Itachi shrugged, _that could work_.

* * *

.

.

* * *

**Author's Notes/Ramblings:**

~ The Loop numbering is just for the convenience of the readers; Itachi and Sakura don't actually know or remember what loop they are in. And of course, these are not the only things he did with Tsukiyomi.

~ Got ideas and all for the next chappies? Feel free to suggest! But do write it in this format: a six-worded sentence. Cha.

* * *

Thank you for your reviews and encouragements! Please read on!

~ Lost-chan


	5. Loop 103: Negatively Positive

~ I'm moving _Loop # 320: Pedo-Tensei_ to the next chapter, cleaning it up and dusting the typoes away. It was horribly done in a sleep-deprived, cocoa-high state, you see.

Why am I moving it to the next chapter? Well, it's because of the pattern! THE PATTERN! I think that orderly things are my pet peeves, especially that I'm not orderly at all (yes, that made no sense), but... the pattern... I had to have some sort of semblance of order in my life... D:

* * *

**Loops**

by **Somebodylost**

* * *

Loop #103: **Negatively Positive**

* * *

Fifteen-year-old-again Sakura stared at the little plastic screen.

A plus sign happily greeted her.

Her expression not changing, she calmly retrieved the other four test kits from her bag and tested herself again.

All positives.

Feeling detached, Sakura turned on her foot and walked out of her bathroom. She closed all the windows, locked the doors, and activated every privacy seal her husband installed in every cranny of her apartment. She lay down on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

It's not possible... it shouldn't be...

Sakura quickly sat up, lifting her shirt to expose her belly. She gathered a small, harmless, inconsequential clump of chakra on her palm and pressed it against her stomach, scanning her insides.

The intestines, liver, stomach –

_There_.

Sakura gasped, eyes widening. She checked again.

It was _still there_.

Numb, Sakura withdrew her scanning chakra, but her hand felt _right_ to be there, on the plane of her stomach. Unbidden, a rush of euphoria and excitement went through her, making her smile warmly.

She was _pregnant_.

She was **PREGNANT!**

A child... that she and Itachi created.

Sakura instantly fell in love with the little nugget inside her.

How will she – Sakura was adamant that it _will_ _be_ a girl – look like? Will she get Itachi's facial lines, his sharp nose, his onyx eyes, or his jet black hair? Or maybe the baby will get her mother's pink hair, her large forehead, or her emerald eyes? Everything was mysterious, silent, and non-assuming about Itachi – not counting his Sharingan – but everything was blatant, loud, and attention-grabbing about Sakura.

What will a product of the two look like? How will a mixture of pine and forest and flowers and fruits smell like? Will she speak quiet but understanding, or loud but passionate? Or maybe she'll get some traits from her grandparents? Sakura stifled a giggle.

If her baby got Kizashi's (her dad) and Itachi's sense of humor – kami, the bad jokes, the lame puns... oh, _the horror_ – it will be very entertaining yet exasperating.

(Sakura shook her head; she just hoped that if her baby ever felt the need to challenge Bee to a rap battle, she would actually _rap_, not recite fast-paced poetry – although poetry _could_ work, it wasn't _enough_.)

Then there's Fugaku and Mikoto – Itachi's parents. How will they react when they see a pink-haired Uchiha? Shisui would never let it down when they see her in the next non-Massacre loop –

Sakura's smile froze in her face.

_Loop_.

Kami.

She was _pregnant_.

Kami.

There's no guarantee –

Kami.

This loop can end _anytime_ –

Kami.

She could grow up as a toddler, an adult, or have children, _grandchildren_, of her own –

Kami.

Or she could grow until Sakura's trimester, reach until Sakura finally gave birth, to see her, to touch her, only to have the loop reset –

_Kami_.

Will her baby... survive?

Sakura couldn't stop her tears. She clutched her stomach protectively, feeling anguished, torn, and helpless.

It was worst than being impaled by Chidori a hundred times, or when a village burned her to death for using 'magic', or when that looping Kabuto used the Juubi to shoot a bomb point-blank at her...

"_Will you be able to handle it? A child we created... only to have it disappear in the next second just because of a whim of... whoever makes us loop?" _Itachi once questioned her when the topic of having children rose.

It was their biggest argument. Itachi didn't want to have children. No, he _does_, but he already suffered – no, _continues_ to suffer – with _every_ mid-Massacre reset point. And to add a child, with the knowledge that she could be gone in the next second or so...

But Sakura wanted a child. At least once. Or the experience of raising a child, going through pregnancy, having a large belly with a life growing inside her. She was a bit envious of Kurenai, Ino, Hinata, her friends, of whom she had seen dozens of different children from differing husbands from various loops. It was all so _unfair_.

But Itachi is right; can she really handle that pain?

That loop – that _painful_ loop – created so many problems for them both. It... somehow... _separated_ them at the next loop.

Sakura didn't want that to happen again. Itachi was all she really has.

But she also wants this baby... can't she have both?

A child, no matter how brief she exists, will make her parents happy. Itachi needed a chance to see his own child, or at least communicate with the fetus with chakra-probing. At least once.

Sakura felt her world caving in. Her eyes flickered to the kunai holster on her hip.

It was so easy... she could simply create a clone to abort her bab– the fetus, or she could simply kill herself. Itachi doesn't have to know that she ended the loop prematurely.

Sakura snorted, feeling selfish yet righteous at the same time. Dignified.

Then her emerald eyes sharpened.

Didn't they had an agreement in case something like this happens? That they will use all kinds of protection, trying _not_ to have a child, but if actually they _do_, they will raise it with all the love and support they could muster, no matter what time the loop ends, no matter how painful it is afterwards?

Didn't they vow to stick with each other through thick and thin, forever and ever?

_But even then... _

Sakura straightened from her fetal position on her bed. She made her way to the bathroom, splashing her face with water to wash away her depression, not sparing a glance at the mirror or at the pregnancy test kits on her bathroom sink. She made her way into the kitchen, pulling out vegetables and meat for dinner; Itachi would be home soon.

When she was done, Sakura got rid of the test kits with a minor Katon jutsu, flushing the ashes down the toilet. She stripped off her clothes and stepped into shower. Scrubbing herself down, she faltered momentarily at her midsection, then she proceeded to the rest of her body. Finished, she dried herself up with a towel, wrapped it around her still-damp hair, and went to the bedroom, not even bothering to cover herself up. She dressed.

Then she sat on the bed again. She ran a small wave of chakra along her inner elbow – which was normally covered by her arm band – to make the normally-invisible Hirashin seal visible.

The Hiraishin, besides instant transportation, has other great unknown advantages, all untraceable and unnoticeable due to the unique space-time nature of the jutsu.

One of them was to enable the user to scan the area – the base jutsu that the Yondaime started the Hirashin from – where the seals are located; very useful for instances when Sakura is in the midst of Leaf nin who will not take it kindly to Uchiha Itachi suddenly popping out of nowhere.

Another advantage is to send coded messages when circumstances don't allow them to just take off, or when they needed to send messages to assure the other of their situation, or when an unexpected development came up. Like now.

One pulse meant: _I have a message for you_. It was a basic alert, and a five-second wait was required before pulsing the subsequent message. Sakura and Itachi often used it to send love notes and random ideas and observations to each other, using it sparingly in rare loops that had advanced technology.

Two quick pulses meant: _I need to tell you something important; you may want to come here soon_. A low-level emergency alert, and this time, a three-second wait was needed before conveying the message.

Three frantic pulses, meanwhile, meant: COME_. HERE. _**NOW**. If they proceeded to keep up a three-pulsed beat, then it meant that there's a _very_ high-level alert.

Sakura bit her lip as she hovered between the decisions. Itachi would come back this evening anyway, so there was no need to tell him now, but at the same time, it felt _wrong_ not to.

She looked down at the complex kanji on her arm. She pulsed once...

… And counted the seconds down. Five seconds. Then she pulsed her message, the kanji glowing blue then flickering back to black with every burst of chakra.

["We have to talk later. It's important."]

Sakura could just _feel_ her husband raising an eyebrow. ["If it's important, why did you pulse only once?"]

Why indeed? ["I didn't want to intrude on whatever you're doing. I just want to tell you that it's important, but there's no need for you to rush."]

["Hn,"] – Sakura rolled her eyes at the passion that Itachi showed on coming up with a pulse-code for _that_ word – ["my wife is currently occupying my time, you know? It's quite rude for you to just waltz in as you please."]

Sakura snorted amusedly. ["You insufferable man. What does wife have that _**I**_don't?"]

["Well, for starters, she's more beautiful than you."]

["Oh please, that pink hair?"]

["Exotic."]

["That large forehead?"]

["Kissable."]

["Green eyes?"]

["Lovely and expressive."]

["That flat chest?"]

["She has other attributes that more than make it up for her lack in that area."]

["Oh?"]

["Yes. I did not marry her for her lack of cleavage after all."]

["So her lack of boobs displeases you."]

["She does _not_ lack boobs. _**I**_ should know."] Sakura let him sidestep the question.

["Oh?"]

["Oh _yes_. She's rather... _sensitive_ in **that** area."]

That genius two-faced double-entendre-using wise-cracker... ["It's still not enough."]

["Well, if she wants to, she can use her exemplary knowledge of medical jutsu to increase her bust size. And her rear, too."]

She's not that vain! ["What about her butt?"] Sakura asked instead.

["It is... enticing. Especially when she feels particularly confident...]

["Yeah...?"]

["It _**sways**_. It's more hypnotizing than any jutsu I know."]

Sakura couldn't help her chortles by this point. She got the feeling that Itachi was smirking amusedly at the other end.

["If that's the case,"] Sakura giggled, recovering a bit from her mirth ["then I'll just have to beat her in the bedroom, right?"]

["Oh really?"] Yep, Itachi is definitely smirking. ["I look forward to seeing you try."]

Sakura burst out laughing, glad for the stress-relief. Kami, she really loves her husband.

What would have happened to her if she had continued alone in these loops? What would've happened to _Itachi_ if he was alone?

She didn't know, and she didn't want to know.

But will he support her in this?

Sakura rubbed her stomach protectively, still trying to catch her breath. She scanned her insides again, her eyes hardening in resolution again.

He _has_ to.

* * *

He came home two hours past dusk.

Itachi sent quick pulse of chakra throughout his surroundings; he already scanned the area via the Hiraishin seals and deemed it safe to teleport in the living room, but it never hurt to be extra careful.

Soon, steps from the kitchen reached his ears, alerting him of the person he loved. He looked up, meeting his wife's (_strained?_) smile with his own. Itachi's exhaustion was instantly swept to an insignificant corner, but…

"Welcome home," she said, reaching up to kiss him. Itachi wrapped his arms around her, feeling a bit worried because Sakura placed her hands on his chest. She didn't embrace him back, and that was telling.

Living for centuries and being married to an S-Class shinobi – who was designated to be a criminal more often than not, whether he wanted to be or not – armed his wife with a large repertoire of skills and knowledge that people with normal lifespans would never learn or remember. Flawless lying and acting was one of them.

Throughout their looping – in loops where Itachi was unfortunately deemed as a criminal – whenever they are caught together, the couple acted. As strangers, hostage and captor, sensei and gullible apprentice (helpful when they wanted to enter Sakura in Akatsuki), amnesiac husband and wife (an entertaining yet exasperating situation as they had to deal with Konoha shinobi trying to break their relationship off), parent or guardian with adopted child (depending on what random age they spawn in Non-Regular loops) and a lot of other stuff.

The point is, Sakura became an excellent liar. Winning the Best Actress Award every time she wanted to pursue acting as a career was proof of that.

But the only person she could only hope to fool was her mentor and husband, the man who knew her most, perhaps even better than she herself does.

"Is something wrong?" Itachi asked worriedly when they pulled away. It was very blunt, but the only person they vowed to never lie to was their spouses.

Sakura stiffened, her subtle, nervous mannerisms that other people would never have caught now pronounced. She turned her head away, head whirling with different ways to breach the issue.

"Sakura, you can tell me anything. You know that," Itachi softly said, cupping his wife's cheek. She complied, hesistantly turning back to meet his eyes, biting her lip adorably. He let her study his body language, wordlessly letting her know that even though he's tired, he'll do anything for her.

Green eyes wandered over his non-descript cloak (as a rule, Akatsuki cloaks shouldn't be worn when sneaking into Konoha so that in cases of emergency, the chances of identifying Itachi would be slim to none) that covered most of his body, before they settled on his face, whose lines seemed more pronounced.

Sakura could tell that Itachi was very tired. More so than usual. She wanted to tell him after dinner, but... if he didn't get energy... if he didn't want to honor their agreement...

Even with centuries of living under his belt, Sakura knew that Itachi would still have difficulty defeating Leaf nin, especially if he didn't want to kill them...

So, in a possible scenario where she had to fight her husband off to escape with her baby...

Sakura tried to keep her gaze on her husband's worried coal eyes. She swallowed, averting her eyes to his nose instead, feeling guilty that even if she couldn't do it, she would _try_.

The betrayal would hurt, but if that's the case, wouldn't it be justified because he betrayed her first? What was that saying that Itachi used to practice... _the end justifies the means_?

"Sakura?" his tone was now pleading, and Sakura couldn't help but to flicker her eyes back to his own, trying to find any excuse to make it easier for her to betray the man she loves.

She found deep devotion that surpassed his care for his brother, and Sakura withdrew out of her husband's warm embrace. She felt horrible; why was she thinking so negatively? Didn't Itachi always come through for her, for them? Wasn't he the one who was always by her side whenever she cried every time her friends and parents die? The man who would occasionally drop his pride to wear embarrassing costumes just to cheer her up?

Sakura let out her giggles when she remembered the loop where Team Gai came upon Itachi dressed in a ridiculous fox full-body suit, feeling her worries ebb away.

Itachi blinked, perplexed in the sudden shift of his mate's mood. "Sakura?" he called hesitantly. He stepped forward, cautiously placing his arms on the snickering female's shoulders.

Sakura looked up, smiling, trying to banish the thoughts of her husband cosplaying as Orochimaru (_With the detestable purple ass-bow!_). She cupped her husband's cheeks with both hands, now more confident with her raised spirits. She inhaled deeply as she felt his arms wound around her waist again, his warm hands rubbing comforting circles...

Itachi more than deserved her faith. She shouldn't have doubted him... right?

She met his eyes again, and she dived in.

"I'm pregnant," she finally stated, inwardly happy that her courage wavered only after she said it.

For Itachi's part, he heard the words, but it stumbled and bounced around in his head in uncomprehending denial until he saw that she was dead serious.

Sakura's nervousness and worries crept back in when she felt him stiffen and his eyes shutter for five seconds, until he said, "Alright," and his hands continued on, resuming their leisurely travels.

Sakura blinked, feeling a bit cheated. "That's... it?" Damn genius. Or maybe it was the hormones? Damn mood swings made her more emotional, thus making her think too much? She scowled.

"Yes," Itachi continued, wondering if he should say more when his wife began to looked displeased.

"Are you sure? You won't knock me out and perform abortive surgery on me?" Sakura pressed on.

Itachi flinched. Sakura's eyes widened in alarm.

It was an imperceptible move, but Sakura had known him long enough to pick up even the minutest twitches from her husband. She jumped away, readying herself to summon a kunai at any moment's notice, trying to calm her nerves.

He _did_ think of doing it.

_And he can_.

Even when it was all said and done, he was _still_ Uchiha Itachi. The one who sacrificed his clan – and _continued to do so_, when it is unavoidable – for the sake of others. The one who betrayed his brother's trust to help him.

Sakura didn't want to admit it, but it scared her that _Itachi_, her _husband_, might do the same to her.

Even when it will hurt them both, it was better to suffer now than to suffer later...

… Or is it?

Which was worse, your husband, the one who was beside you for centuries, only to betray your trust to... help – as loose as that term allows – you?

Or to have a child, something that she was sure that they will never have a chance – or rather, take the chance – to have, only for the next instant to be gone as if she hadn't existed at all?

Sakura gritted her teeth, mad about the entire situation, her damn mood swings, and her wandering mind. Just her luck to be weird at any situation while the man in front of her dealt with them almost-perfectly (his panic and worry almost indiscernable). _He_ should be the one pregnant!

"I..." Itachi looked hurt, conflicted, and a bit afraid when he saw Sakura's flickering panicked yet angry eyes, trying to find some escape routes.

_Fear. Betrayal._

He swore before that his wife would never have that look on her face towards him _again_.

He tried again.

"I won't," he said gently, tentatively. He took a step forward, his hands held up as a sign that told her he meant no harm. Sakura willed herself to stay on her spot, prepared to flash away in a moment's notice, warily watching him.

Itachi took that as a good sign. He stepped forward again.

"I won't," he said again, this time more firmly, more confident, more promising. He was now within stabbing proximity.

Sakura craned her head up to look at him straight in the eyes. Itachi willed all of his unspoken determination into his own eyes, silently pleading.

_Trust me_.

Sakura breathed deeply, closing her eyes.

Itachi unconsciously held his breath.

A few tense moments later, Sakura opened her eyes. Emerald clashed with onyx.

She nodded.

Itachi let out a long sigh of relief. He stepped closer towards her, their bodies almost touching, his wife's agitation coming off in waves.

He lifted his hand slowly towards her face. Sakura's eyes flickered to it, acknowledging his actions.

Gently, his hand traced her jawline, caressing her cheeks, before moving to her chin, lifting it up. He drew nearer, their noses almost touching, their eyes locked with each other (_easy enough to trap her in a mind-altering genjutsu with the Sharingan_).

His lips fell on hers, coaxing, inviting.

_I promise._

Sakura hesitantly parted her lips, feeling all wound up, shy, and silly, trying to release her stress to relax into the kiss. She tried to react positively when she felt a hand wound to the back of her neck (a_ knockout pressure point_), drawing her even closer to him. Her body and a part of her mind easily remembered, and she felt her own arms slowly lose their tension, making her stomach vulnerable (_a swift punch to the gut has the benefits of knocking her out and making her miscarriage_). She eventually wrapped her arms around her husband, massaging his back (_a quick pulse of chakra can disrupt his organs, letting him suffer from internal bleeding_).

Itachi hummed approvingly. He broke eye contact, moving to her neck, leaving butterfly kisses and light love bites. His other hand wound to her lower back, drawing light circles (_a quick pulse of chakra, even from the back, can easily sever the fetus from its support_). Sakura closed her eyes to the pleasurable sensations.

"I love you," he murmured from her neck, and Sakura basked in the knowledge that he meant it wholeheartedly.

Encouraged, she pulsed her Hiraishin seal, unwilling to speak. [Let's go to bed."]

Itachi wordlessly picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

* * *

Sakura woke up in her dimly lighted room, her curtains blocking out the sunlight and the morning view of Konoha.

Slowly, as to not wake the naked figure entangled with her body, she disengaged herself from the blankets strewn about.

A sense of dread and hope mixed with each other, Sakura hesitantly gathered chakra at her palm and pressed it on her stomach.

She smiled.

Her baby was still there.

Giddy and grateful that her faith was not misplaced, she leaned on top of her husband's chest and kissed him lightly on the lips.

Itachi stirred, blinking the sleepiness off his eyes. He turned his head to see his wife smiling softly at him as she laid on his chest. He cracked a smile back at the sight of her adorable face crowned by her unkempt hair.

Sakura leaned forward and kissed him again sweetly, gratefully, and Itachi met her lips with equal fervor. Suddenly, she withdrew a few inches away, her smile now coy and mischievous, causing Itachi to raise a brow.

"So..." she drawled, settling her chin on her husband's chest, "did I beat your wife?"

Itachi looked confused until comprehension dawned. He smirked.

"More than you'll ever know."

* * *

.

.

* * *

**Author's Notes/Ramblings:**

~ I didn't even plan that dirty phone call, or rather, suggestive pulse-code-flirting! It just... came out...

I love serendipity. :D

~ Looping is not all fun. Actually, problems and heartaches like these are the reason why the loopers try to have fun whenever they can.

But the feels! Did I write them well? Did you feel them feels? O_o

~ I already have a rough plan on how I want this fic's mini-stories to go... so don't blame me or something about the next chapters or so on how I ass-pulled some stuff. I already wrote some of them down, people.

Although, some of these stories _are_ ass-pulls... well, all of the loop ideas are... yeah.

~ Sakura being long-windedly sentimental was... what? How did it come across to you people?

~ And yes, I know, I know; for an M-rated fic, this has very small depictions of sex and violence, neh? Well...

Actually, hmm, I'm not sure if I should keep the M-rating anymore... it was there just in case of something, you know? And I was planning on posting something M-rated, but meeeeeeeeh. :D

* * *

Gracias por all ye reviewos!

~ Lost-chan


	6. Loop 320: Pedo-Tensei

~ A somewhat different writing style, me thinks, from me normal one... bah.

~ The newer chapter is placed before this one! Go backtrack, people!

* * *

**Loops**

by **Somebodylost**

* * *

Loop #320: **Pedo-Tensei**

* * *

"What the hell, un! I thought I blew myself already!" Deidara exclaimed.

"So we are all your puppets..." Sasori monotoned, an irked voice lying beneath his words.

Kabuto smirked and grouped them according to the plan. He took off with Deidara on a clay bird.

"... I see dead people," Itachi finally said, wanting to pinch his forehead but was unable to do so as he helped Nagato walk. Nagato raised a brow.

* * *

**_Later..._**

* * *

"Naruto, I must know," Itachi said, as he and the jinchuuriki traded blows, "are you gay for Sasuke?"

"W-what!?" Naruto shouted, losing a moment of precious concentration, but as always, he was lucky to dodge.

"Well, you see, you were always chasing after him, and you never paid Hinata any attention..."

"Hi-h-Hinata!?" Naruto spluttered, then attacked the other topic instead. "I want to bring him back to Konoha! And _he_ was chasing after you! That doesn't mean that _he's_ gay, does it?"

"... I'm not sure... " Itachi quietly said, giving him minus points due to his avoidance of the Hinata-topic. At this rate, Naruto wouldn't get the chance to be the best man at Itachi and Sakura's hundredth-something wedding (a reaffirmation of their vows, but non-loopers didn't know that).

"What?"

"Naruto," Itachi wanted to roll his eyes, "he had fangirls. He never paid attention to them." Itachi didn't say that he himself never paid attention to his fangirls as well.

"He was fixated on revenge!" Naruto's defense of Sasuke's chastity was very noteworthy and amusing.

Nagato and Bee looked amused as they parried and dodged respectively.

"And _I_,_" _Itachi retorted calmly, "was fixated on spying on Pedo-chimaru, encouraging Sasuke to be strong, and delaying Akatsuki – sorry, Nagato-san –" (Nagato shrugged) "– but I still managed to get _married_."

Naruto's eyes widened, along with the other two.

"WHO!?" they all shouted back.

Itachi ignored the question and activated his Tsukiyomi on Naruto. His crow came out of Naruto's mouth. Edo-Tensei was lifted from Itachi, and he proceeded to do the counter-handseals that he spent developing in the previous loops. In the next moment, Nagato was also free.

"Itachi... how did you..."

"I studied Pedo-chimaru and his research."

"... Pedo-chimaru..." Nagato said blankly. Were all Uchiha nuts?

Itachi just shrugged.

"That was so cool! Wait, you're married!?" Naruto shouted, now running towards them, Bee jogging alongside. Itachi idly noted that he can just hear Naruto just fine even if they have ten miles between them. Then, to answer Naruto's question, he nodded.

"WHO!?"

Itachi tilted his head, wondering if he should answer the question. "I'll answer you if you tell me what you intend to answer Hinata-chan," he bargained.

"What!? What do you –"

"She had a crush on you since forever."

Naruto blushed. Bee smiled and gave him a comradely pat. Nagato's face was scrunched up.

"She was the girl that you stabbed in front of Naruto." Itachi clarified for the Rinnegan-user.

Nagato's face cleared in comprehension. "Aa," he looked back at Naruto apologetically, "sorry about that."

Naruto didn't hear him, still stuck. "How did you know that she had a cru –"

Itachi gave him a look. "Everybody knows that."

Naruto's jaw fell as his blush intensified.

Bee threw his head back and laughed. Nagato smirked.

* * *

**_Later..._****  
**

* * *

"Itachi, wait!"**  
**

Itachi bounded forward, leaping from branch to branch.

"I said wait, damnit!"

Itachi never stopped moving. Sasuke breathed hard as he pushed himself to his limits.

"...Why?" the younger Uchiha chose to ask quietly.

Itachi's expression could not be seen due to his hair covering his face. Finally, he spoke.

"Sasuke..."

Sasuke listened with rapt attention.

"Did you know that there were no tomatoes in the afterlife?"

Sasuke stumbled, nearly falling off his branch. He redoubled his pace to catch up with his brother.

"...What?"

"Mother disapproves of you chasing after revenge; she said that you should chase after a tangible object instead, like... I don't know, love?"

"... What."

"The majority of the clan was also happy that you got rid of that purple ass-bow."

"Itachi –"

"Where's Sakura?"

"Wha– why are you looking for her?"

"I love her."

Sasuke stared, eyes widening. Itachi finally looked back, an eyebrow raised.

Suddenly, his face darkened. "I saw what you did. You tried to kill her."

"I – Aniki – I –" Sasuke looked incredibly guilty.

"Therefore, I'm not going to say anything to you. Goodbye."

"Wha – you never even talked to her!"

"Mm, that's what you think."

"What?"

"I'm not talking to you, you _brat_. You tried to kill my wife."

Sasuke looked hurt by the 'brat' insult. Good.

Then he recovered. "W-wife?!"

"Mmhmm, we were secretly married."

"What!? When?! And she said that she loved me..."

"Of course she loves you; she's your... _ex_-teammate. And she loves you as a sibling."

"How did you meet her?! When?!"

"Not talking to you."

"Itachi!"

"I'm sorry, all circuits are busy now. Please try again later."

"ITACHI!"

Itachi ignored him, as the cave was already in front of him, he threw a Hiraishin seal at a random tree and activated Susan-chan. Susan-chan destroyed the cavewall.

Kabuto looked at him, his eyes peering menacingly/molesting-ly behind the glasses.

Said glasses always made Itachi think that being an accomplished medic-nin with failed eyesight was stupid.

"Ah, hello Itachi. I didn't know that you were married." Kabuto started conversationally as soon as Sasuke stepped in the cave.

Itachi shrugged. "Not really a public knowledge."

"To think that the great Uchiha Itachi has a weakness like that... you should know that some of my slaves are already on their way to kidnap her, so don't try anything funny."

"Hn." Itachi looked bored. Sakura can take care of herself... although he _is_ a little worried...

"... maybe you left some Uchiha genes on her and created a child..." Kabuto continued, getting Itachi's attention back to him, "... when was the last time you were with her?" Kabuto smiled, trying to rile up his guests.

Sasuke turned green. Itachi's eye twitch.

"Listen, you pervert," he snarled low, "Leave our sex life alone."

Sasuke felt like gagging. Kabuto's smile widened. Creep.

"And don't you dare lust after her. Wasn't Orochimaru enough?"

Kabuto's eyes narrowed as his friendly/creepy demeanor suddenly shifted. Sasuke whipped his head towards Itachi, paling.

Itachi looked at his brother with pity. "It's a good thing that Kabuto was faithful and enough to satisfy Orochimaru, or else you would've..." he trailed off meaningfully.

"W-wha... I never thought that he really was..."

Itachi gave a look that told Sasuke that he was stupid. Sasuke was grateful Itachi got rid of Orochimaru and his cursed seal.

"Orochimaru-sama never treated me like that!" Kabuto finally snapped, angry with the insuination and the fact that he's being ignored. Itachi obliged.

"I died, Kabuto. Those who are dead are given free tickets to watch the rest of the mortals. I know that during those so-called _'private experiments' _–"

"YOU LIE!"

"Don't deny it, Kabuto," Itachi said gently, using his kid-friendly voice. "Go to Naruto; he can help you with his Therapy no Jutsu."

"You... YOU'LL REGRET THAT UCHIHA ITACHI!"

The battle commenced.

* * *

**_Later..._**

* * *

Kabuto didn't notice the paralysis seal until it was late. **  
**

Itachi made Susan-chan suck him into her jar.

"Kabuto, you should have listened. I know all the things that Orochimaru did with his tongue..."

Sasuke didn't want to know.

So he initiated another topic.

"How did you know Edo-Tensei?"

"I kept tabs on Pedo-chimaru."

"... Pedo-chimaru... " Sasuke was baffled.

Itachi ignored him, grabbing Anko from the floor.

Sasuke fidgeted. He tried again.

"So, uh, you now control the other summons?"

"Yes."

"Aa."

"..." Itachi was walking away towards the hole in the wall, Anko on his shoulders.

"So, uh," Sasuke cleared his throat, running to catch up with his brother, "you and Sakura, huh?"

"..."

"Er, why?"

"...?"

"I mean, why her?"

"..."

"..."

"... Well, she's really kind, albeit short tempered, but she looks _beautiful_ when she's mad, especially when we get interrupted during sex, but we never wanted to be interrupted in the first place –"

"I don't want to know."

"Okay. Goodbye little brother."

"Itachi, wait – !"

Itachi vanished using the Hiraishin, teleporting to a seal that he threw to a random tree earlier. From the cave, Sasuke caught sight of him as he bounded away. Sasuke followed him.

* * *

**_Later..._**

* * *

Sakura was in a clearing – the five Kages all healed, unconscious, and wrapped in bandages behind her – waiting for her husband. Itachi promised not to detour to get dango (he couldn't taste food in Edo-Tensei mode, but that didn't stop the man on drowning himself on sweets), so he better arrive on time...

Before going to her and her husband's pre-determined meeting spot, she slipped away when the Medical Division was called to move towards the front lines and kidnapped the five Kages to heal them. Tsunade-shisou was always the most challenging to heal, as she was always cleaved in half in these Fourth Shinobi War loops.

Suddenly, Sakura felt a familiar chakra coming towards her... two, actually... damn, why _him?_

"Itachi! You're late!" Sakura jumped from her sitting position on a rock.

"Sorry, dear." Itachi kissed her cheek, knowing that Sakura considers mouth-to-mouth as necrophilia.

Sasuke landed in the clearing. He caught sight of the couple glaring at him. He stared back.

"...Sasuke." Sakura finally said.

"... Sakura." Sasuke replied back, channeling his cool-Uchiha persona.

Sakura flipped off the younger Uchiha. She ignored his eye-twitches and faced Itachi, raising a brow at him.

Itachi raised his hands defensively. "I'm not talking to him."

Sakura brightened. "Good."

Sasuke was irked that he was being ignored. Sakura grabbed Anko and laid her on the ground. Itachi withdrew a pot of ink and brush he borrowed from Bee earlier, drawing a complex paralysis seal around the two females.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke asked. The couple ignored him.

He grounded his teeth, thought of threatening... someone... but instead settled for sitting on Sakura's rock to watch his brother work.

Finally, he was done. Itachi nodded to Sakura. She nodded back and sped through a series of hand seals. After the last one, she put her hand on Anko's Curse Mark. She jumped away as soon as a white snake emerged.

Orochimaru's body emerged from the snake. "Kukuku, hello Itachi, Sasuke... Sakura."

Sasuke eyed him suspiciously. Sakura twitched at being added as just an afterthought. Itachi nodded back, "Pedo-chimaru," and didn't give the Sannin a chance to give smart-ass comments, quickly activating the seal on the ground.

Orochimaru was paralyzed due to the seal on the ground (a stronger seal than the one used on Kabuto earlier), and despite his frozen countenance, managed to emit the aura that he was glaring holes at the Uchiha.

Itachi didn't care; he was busy flying through handseals now. Orochimaru made a gagging noise when he finally realized what Itachi planned to do. Itachi tossed his crow's eye on a marking that appeared from Edo Tensei's jutsu, and ash immediately started wrapping itself around the Sannin.

Sasuke was intrigued. Sakura looked thoughtful, biting her lip.

Finally, the transformation was complete: spiky, curly hair and cat-like eyes features stood out from the morphing ash.

Uchiha Shisui blinked.

He looked around and did what every sane Uchiha should do after being resurrected...

"Hi-ya, baby cousins!"

"Shisui," Itachi nodded, pleased.

"Hi, Shisui-kun!" Sakura chirped.

Shisui winked at her, "Hey, Pinky! Who're you?"

"Sakura, Itachi's wife!"

"Shisui-niisan..." Sasuke intoned, awed. Shisui didn't hear him.

"Ooh! Baby cousin, I didn't know that you were emotionally capable of falling in love, someone with pink hair to boot!" Shisui faced Itachi. "The gene pool has been contaminated!" the eldest Uchiha laughed.

"Hey!" Sakura shouted in mock-hurt.

"Sorry, sorry," Shisui grinned at her. "Let me try again. Hi-ya, cousin-in-law!"

"Hello!"

"Shisui-niisan..." Sasuke intoned, awed, this time a bit more louder.

But before Shisui managed to greet him, he was cut off by the couple, who immediately bombarded him with questions; they wanted to know if Orochimaru's cells and chakra could affect Edo Tensei and take over a summon (anything freaky is possible with the snake-man).

"Do you feel snake-y?"

"Do you feel that you want to experiment illegally?"

"Do you feel like you want to molest children?"

"Do you feel like wearing a purple ass-bow?"

"Do you feel like growing your hair long and whipping it back and forth?"

"Do you feel like stuffing things down your throat?"

"Do you feel like giving hickeys to random strangers and inviting them to live with you?"

"Do you feel like slathering yourself with sunscreen twenty-four-seven?"

Shisui eyed them blankly with hints of wariness. "No...?"

"Is that a question or an answer?"

"Er, no."

The couple stared, used to his antics. Sasuke was still in shock to be angry from being ignored.

Shisui finally gave up. "No! I don't feel like Orochimaru!" he threw his hands up.

The couple smiled at that.

"Yes!" Sakura jumped, hugging her husband, "success!"

Itachi chuckled.

"Now," (Itachi knew _that_ tone...) Sakura said, wrapping her form around his more intimately, "let's go to Nagato-kun and ask him to revive you so that we could properly... _celebrate_..."

Sasuke promptly passed out.

Shisui didn't know whether to feel happy or sick that he was brought back to life just to witness his emotionally-constipated cousin flirt back.

Anko woke up.

The five Kage slept on.

* * *

.

.

* * *

**Author's Ramblings/Ideas:**

~ How can Itachi be revived even when he originally died months ago? I mean, when Nagato revived everybody back in Konoha, only the recently dead was revived, right? Well, according to Tobito, Madara planned on using the Rinnegan to revive himself, so I guess there's a way. Although it was not really explained in the manga, do remember that the couple already experienced and studied a lot of things, so assume that they found out how. ;D

* * *

I forgot to put this thanks the last time I put this chapter, but, uh, thanks for your support! :D

~ Lost-chan


	7. AU Loop 395: Certifiably Mental

**Loops**

by **Somebodylost**

* * *

(**Alternate-Universe**) Loop #395: **Certifiably Mental**

* * *

"Three herds of deer from the Nara compound – painted with neon purple polka dots. The Akimichi clan's food stockpile – replaced with pamphlets about dieting. The Aburame clan's insect colonies congregated on the Yamanaka clan's roofs, which was not normally planted with flowers. The Inuzuka clan's compound was dusted with with a powdery substance, making every canine engage in an early mating frenzy. The Hyuuga compound's walls; littered with graffiti painted with invisible ink, visible only – but at the same time blinding – to Hyuuga eyes. And finally, tomatoes rained, pelted, and exploded above the entire Uchiha compound," the Yondaime, Namikaze Minato intoned with authority in the council room, trying to level his voice from laughing.

It was funny, _really_ funny, but the fact that this person was the one who did this was... worrying.

Almost all of the council members were glaring at the perpetrator, but a handful of jounin and ANBU eyed him with amused interest and worry. Namikaze-Uzumaki Kushina though, was struggling from grinning with the discovery of a fellow prankster (which fooled no one), ending up with a grimacing smile that made the red-head look like she was suffering from constipation.

"All of the children deferred to you as the leader," Minato explained, remembering his son bawling his eyes out when he was punished with a week of no ramen. By the second day, Naruto already gave up his pledge of confidentiality.

No one could've seen this coming. The last pranks happened a week ago, and it was only a few hours ago that the culprit... gave himself up. Minato didn't know if they would've caught the culprit if he hadn't given himself up.

"Care to explain yourself, ANBU Captain Uchiha Itachi?" he continued sternly, lacing his fingers together to put his chin on it, trying to hide a small smile of amusement. He spared a glance down at the council members' seats, seeing Uchiha Fugaku glower at his son.

The thirteen-year-old-again heir stood before the assembly, the perfect picture of calm confidence. He spoke up to defend himself, looking at a spot behind the Minato, "Three reasons, Hokage-sama: stealth, infiltration, and escape training for me and the Academy students, a wake-up call for Konoha's prestigious clans, and finally, simple stress-relief."

Minato raised a brow. "Explain."

Itachi inclined his head in acquiesence. "Honorable council," he began, channeling his Hokage-persona (just in case he needed to speak long speeches) to address the chamber full to the brim of old farts, "pranking... is an excellent way to educate children in stealth and infiltration because the lesson will stick better in their heads if it is done in a practical, demonstrative, fun manner, rather than just lecturing the children and leaving it at that. Yes, I know that the Academy holds regular monthly practicals regarding this lesson, but are they really effective?"

"Fun? These are our future shinobi! They don't have time for fun!" an irate old crone shrilled from somewhere in the large room. Itachi held back a sigh; it was so typical for them to focus on something trivial.

Looking away from the spot behind the Yondaime, the prodigy evenly answered, eying the geezer straight in the eye, "Exactly. They _are_ our _future_ shinobi, but at the same time, they are simply _children_. Let them be children while learning the ways of the shinobi. They can lose their innocence when they are ready." He quickly turned away to look at the ceiling.

Knowing that the old fart won't let it rest though, Itachi quickly cut him off. "In regards to their escape training, need I say more? These pranks have been going for six months already, yet ANBU only managed to apprehend the suspects this week," he said airily, as if he wasn't a suspect.

"Of course ANBU would have difficulty locating the children," some random prune shouted at him, "They were being trained by the ANBU Captain!"

Itachi was unperturbed. He turned to the prune. "If you must know, I only started pranking two months ago, and I recruited the children a month after. I never helped Uzumaki Naruto when he started his pranks, but even then, ANBU had difficulty locating and catching him, don't they?"

In fact, Itachi was the only one who managed to repeatedly snag Naruto (and those included the times when Naruto didn't let himself be caught); that is, when Naruto felt particularly proud and shouted to the world that the prank was his doing. But if Naruto kept silent, Itachi would confront the child to ask how he did that particular prank, promising not to turn the child to the authorities if he kept honest. Soon, Naruto learned to keep quiet, come up with new tricks, and think of ways to hide creatively from Itachi. Which was a moot point, since his necklace – which Itachi gave to him when he turned three – had Itachi's Hiraishin seal.

The prune opened his mouth to speak more nonsense, but thankfully, the Hokage cut him off. "Enough! No one else is to speak until Itachi is done." Minato then inclined his head back to Itachi. "Proceed."

Itachi nodded back, partly in acknowledgement, but mostly in sympathy; he knew, from experience, how universally irritating old farts can be. "My second reason is that the pranks are beneficial to the victims. Why? It is due to the fact that they show security flaws that you, honorable clan heads, may have overlooked. If the children and I had any malicious intent, we could have killed the Nara's deer, poisoned the Akimichi's food, destroyed the Aburame's colonies, sabotaged the Yamanaka's roofs, made the Inuzuka canines rabid, permanently blinded the Hyuuga, and blown the Uchiha compound with real explosives."

He stopped for dramatic effect, letting his gaze wander around, allowing the room time to absorb what he just said. Most looked stunned and impressed with such revelation – (and why that they haven't thought of that) – while a handful still looked angry, particularly his father.

Itachi paid the glares no mind, looking to a corner, and focused instead on the positive things happening (a trait that gradually developed when Sakura complained that he was too damn pessimistic and proceeded to give him hours of wonderful sex to cheer him up – after pummeling the negativity and living daylights out of him, of course):

One, he was beating this loop's Kushina-kaasan's pranks. (Itachi was feeling good at this loop, so he has an excuse for thinking: DATTEBAYO!)

Two: he was trolling everybody yet he can still keep a poker face! Even Minato-sensei was struggling hard in hiding his smile behind his hands.

For his part, Minato – judging from the twinkle in his eyes – was impressed and amused with the sound explanation so far, but...

"Your third reason is that pranking is a form of, ah, stress-relief for you," he asked, finally breaking the silence, "but why pranking? Why not choose other things?" the Yondaime asked curiously.

Itachi was having so much fun. This time, he glanced towards the door before he faced the Hokage. "This reason is... more complex. If I may, Hokage-sama, may I speak freely?" he held his hands out, imploring.

Minato nodded.

Itachi meekly glanced down. "Actually, Hokage-sama, I tried... various activities prior to pranking, such as befriending civilians, participating in tea ceremonies, eating sweets, and various other things, but the my... _father_ and the _Clan_, all insisted that I was _wasting_ time," he put on a small frown. "I wasn't. I was simply trying to relax and... be my age." Itachi looked down sadly, for all the world looking like a poor child despite his pristine ANBU uniform, gaining some sympathy points. His sympathizers eyed his father with scrutinizing looks.

"Also, I was simply trying to connect with civilian populace. In hindsight, aren't they also important? After all, they are the ones who provide us with food, clothing, and weapons. It is imperative that we remember that we shinobi are fighting for the _whole_ village," at this, Itachi looked up, channeling desperation into his eyes while still keeping a poker face – a feat that Sakura can't seem to accomplish even after centuries. "Shinobi often forget the ordinary people," he quietly said. The civilian members were touched.

A random hag though, was quite disbelieving. "Bull," she muttered, but Itachi heard her. He blankly faced her direction, but not actually looking at her.

"Random Honorable Elder," he addressed her (barely putting the word _'Hag'_ instead of _'Elder'_), earning glares and wide-eyed gazes of disbelief for his impudence/bravery, "you may forget, but I am merely thirteen. I need friends. I deserve to be child, do I not?"

It was a... weirdly childishly mature sentence that made the majority pause and blink. Itachi, inwardly amused, turned back to the front.

"I am a child," Itachi reiterated in a mature tone of authority, ignoring raised eyebrows of various people, "despite my advanced intellect and maturity. But because of these impressive aspects, I was pushed hard since I was four to be excellent and do the Uchiha proud. I did so to please the Clan and serve the village, doing my duty to the best of my abilities, duty after duty, but frankly..." he trailed off, looking down again.

"... Frankly?" Minato prompted. Itachi heaved a dramatic but believable sigh.

"It's. Just. Too. Much," he said, each word filled with helpless desperation, slowly looking down. "I... feel that I'm stretched too thin, Hokage-sama. I feel that I'm losing... my sanity. And there are times that I feel like I'm losing my humanity..."

More of the audience now was looking at him with a mixture of sympathy, strangeness, and disbelief. Fugaku was opening and closing his mouth.

Itachi was on a roll. "I have been killing people since the age of eight, the same age that Naruto is in. Isn't that messed up?" he mumbled, his eyes hidden behind his bangs, but he was still heard in the quiet room. "I see Naruto and his friends all running free without a care in the world, and I could not help but feel a little jealous."

He looked up, his eyes blank and lifeless. "I do not like killing, but I must kill. I never wanted to be a shinobi, but I must do so because it is my duty and because I have the power to do so. I want to stop, or at least take a break from duties, but I cannot – _must_ not. I... am not an expert in psychology, but... even I know that I'm already losing reason because of my indecisiveness."

"Losing reason?" Minato asked, his tone colored faintly with alarm and morbid curiosity.

Itachi buried his face in his hands, his fingers massaging his forehead. "Yes... the pressure, the expectations, the rarity of pink hair, the shortage of dango and cabbage at home, the audacity of that white-haired pervert in the hot springs, the loops, Pedo-chimaru, one-eyed masked-bastards who wanted to take over the world..." Itachi trailed off, slowly lifted his head from his hands, a glazed look in his eyes.

Suddenly, he shook his head, as if he was snapping awake from some sort of dream. "I think I've been hallucinating lately... or not? Or maybe dreaming? Or maybe someone was casting genjutsu on me? I'm not sure... my Sharingan can see through illusions and... I _have_ been seeing some things that others can't see."

To prove his point, Itachi turned his head towards a spot where a hidden ANBU was located. The entire room glanced towards the direction. The hidden ANBU started to sweat from the attention, although no one except a few really knew that he/she was there.

Minato finally understood why Itachi kept looking at odd places all throughout his speech. Fugaku was eying his son, questioning himself if really knew him.

"At times," Itachi continued to get the Council's attention back, "I found myself also believing that I can do certain things, like becoming the kage of Ame, getting Hanzo's signature, traveling through time, marrying a crazy but lovable woman, having mind-blowing intercourse with said woman, having a child, becoming a woman, trolling a room full of old farts," he paused, letting the room absorb his babble.

Then he straightened his stance back, every bit like the ANBU Captain he really is, looking straight ahead at the upper table, staring at the kanji for _'Hokage'_ writen on it. "As you can see, I'm... not right in the head. I wanted to sign up for a vacational leave, but I feared that father would just take it as a weakness, or blame that the Hokage or some old farts –" (a couple of old geezers twitched at this) "– were undermining the Uchiha. He would then drone on some sort of propaganda about how mighty the Uchiha is and so on, which in turn would pressure me more. So I turned to pranks."

Itachi looked out at the window behind the Hokage, a subtle wishful expression on his face as his stance relaxed despite his father's spike in killer intent. "It was a fit of childishness, rebelliousness, genius, insanity, and orange all rolled into one moment of eureka that made me turn to pranks. It was... fun. It was preferable to losing control... like that mission in Kumo, where that rapper drove me farther to the edge."

Minato quickly scanned his mind for any mission of Itachi's that rung a bell. Then, it clicked: it was _that_ diplomatic mission a year ago where Itachi and his team were commissioned to work with a team from Kumo to scout out bandits and secure their villages' borders. It was to test out each respective villages' strength and weaknesses and to see if working together would be more plausible for the future.

An hour after meeting the Raikage's brother, Killer Bee, Itachi ended up razing a small village of bandits with no given reason except that it was the most effective course of action (it was a _very_ good thing that the bandits' village turned out to be a hidden base of the Snake Sannin). The Raikage was pleased, Bee was smug, and everybody else was happy with a mission well done.

Now, Minato _knew_ that the rapper was crazy (that one time they clashed in the war was hint enough), but he didn't know that Itachi would be so unhinged that a one-hour exposure would be enough to drive the genius insane. The Yondaime's eyes softened in sympathy and admiration for someone who was able to withstand such craziness for a long period of time.

Meanwhile, the _real_ reason why Itachi razed the village was because he lost another rap battle with Bee. _"You can't win them all,"_ his then seven-year-old-again wife consoled him when he grudgingly spilled the beans. Itachi had centuries of practice, yet the damn octopus can still school him in every time!

But in a positive note, Itachi got one over Pedo-chimaru! He knew beforehand that that village was one of his bases, of course.

"I feel... I think..." Itachi continued, channeling some of Gaara's mild angst-attacks when the prodigy was tasked to become the child's counselor and therapist in one of the loops, still gazing out to the window, "that... I'm going to _snap_. Yes, **_snap_** one of these _days_."

Itachi's eyes suddenly flashed red as his expression darkened. Everybody in the room tensed; nobody has seen the prodigy display such dangerous expression and live.

"_Snap_ and _massacre_ my clan and leave my baby brother alive," Itachi snarled, keeping his trembling fist clenched as he exuded a terrifying amount of killer intent. "Then, perhaps, because massacring the Uchiha is _so_ easy that it barely tested my capacity –" (Itachi artfully ignored Fugaku's raging killer intent) "– I'll defect and join a group full of cloaked multi-colored-skin freaks and abominations bent on world domination and collecting tailed bijuus to save the same world. But at the same time, I will stay loyal to Konoha and work undercover to undermine the organization. But my baby brother doesn't know that, so he'll keep coming after me to avenge the clan. Then before he manages to kill me, I'll die from a fatal disease."

Itachi stopped and looked around, blinking his Sharingan away – as if waking up from sort of dream. His rage – channeled and cultivated by thinking about the injustice of how the local shop didn't have dango that morning – simmered down.

The silence reigned again. His wife was better at getting people to be quiet, though.

Minato, in testament to his quick reaction time as the Yellow Flash, recovered first. "That was... oddly specific," he said for the sake of saying_ something_. The others just nodded dumbly and numbly.

Itachi tilted his head to the side, a picture of confusion and curiosity, his eyes now focusing to the Hokage's blue eyes. He injected a tone of innocent puzzlement to his voice, "All strong shinobi have odd quirks, do they not? Kakashi-sempai, his porn. Gai-san, his youth. Jiraiya-sama, his porn. Kushina-kaasan, her pranks. Sandaime-sama, his porn –"

"That's enough, Itachi," Minato interjected sternly, barely stopping his chuckles at the Sandaime's blanched face. His wife, Kushina, was not so lucky in hiding her chortles though. She gave up after a few seconds and ended up laughing out loud, banging the table with a fist. Minato just sighed as the whole room stared at her.

Kushina's ruckus, though, snapped Fugaku from his travel to the twilight zone. "Itachi!" he demanded harshly, standing up, turning everybody's attention to him, "Stop this nonsense! Apologize this instant! You are shaming the Uchiha!" He pointed at his son, as if to jab him to death with his finger.

Said son just coolly raised a brow in disbelief and held out his hands, looking around for support, as if saying _"See what I mean?"_. His new fans got what he meant and nodded sympathetically. Fugaku's hackles rose.

Itachi was never this... un-Uchiha. He thought back to time when his son first started acting strangely... aha! "You just wanted to keep on playing with those civilian children when you could've been training!" Yes, it was that pink-haired child and her black-haired sister that damaged his son!

"There is nothing wrong with spending time with Sakura and Nozomu," Itachi said evenly.

"Sakura and Nozomu?" Minato asked, curious enough to let the conversation derail far too much from the tracks.

"My wife and daughter," Itachi answered truthfully.

Brows were raised disbelievingly. Minato turned to the Yamanaka clan head – a member of the T&I Unit – inquiringly.

"He's telling the truth. Or he _believes_ that he's telling the truth..." Inoichi shook his head, baffled. Hyyuga Hiashi, who had his Byakugan active in the entire speech to add extra intimidation, nodded in agreement; the Byakugan is an excellent tool to use to tell if people are lying.

"I am." Itachi deliberately didn't deliberate on which statement was the truth.

This enraged the Uchiha clan head further. "I-ta-chi," he grounded out (Itachi couldn't help but think that it just sounded so _wrong_ when his father says his name like that while on the other hand, how **_sexy_** it sounds when Sakura says it like _that_), "Stop. _This_. **Now**."

"What makes you think I'm faking this? Do you think that I'm enjoying this?" Itachi asked, taking a slight tone of hurt, secretly enjoying himself. "You don't know how incredibly lonely it is to be the only one who can see and talk to the swirling orange-masked man," he said sadly.

"Swirling orange-masked man..." a random ancient prune muttered, shaking his head.

"Itachi..." Fugaku growled.

"Father," Itachi stated blandly, "I can't stop my nonsense. I tried to curb it, but the clan didn't help. You didn't help. Mother didn't notice at all. The only ones who tried to help me are Shisui, Sakura, and Nozomu."

"The clan –"

"Doesn't care. But I still care about them. If I didn't, I would've killed them all already."

"You think that you can defeat the whole Uchiha clan by yourself?" his father angrily asked, standing up. Itachi wanted to facepalm; he gave a wonderful speech and that was the only thing his father got out of it?

Instead, he tilted his head, indecisiveness coloring his tone faintly, "Yes? No? Maybe? I think?"

"'_THINK'?!_"

Itachi shrugged, making Fugaku balk at such an open un-Uchiha display (though he supposed that he really should've gotten used to that since Itachi has been acting un-Uchiha already), "Genjutsu users are very imaginative due to the need for effective illusions. I think that, maybe, I can't defeat the clan by myself, but at the same time, I can imagine scenarios that will help me do so. After all, as a genius, I can see things that no one else can see..." Itachi slowly trailed off, looking at the large window located at the back of the room. Then he widened his eyes.

"SQUIRREL!" he shouted, pointing to the window behind the Hokage. All heads immediately swerved to the pointed direction, alarmed by his tone rather than the words he actually said.

Outside the window, the village stood proud and quiet. A few chirps of the blissful birds pierced the resounding silence in the room.

Everybody slowly turned back to look at the thirteen year-old standing at attention on the platform.

Itachi stoically kept his eyes ahead, utterly solemn and impassive.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

Ultimately, Itachi, after a whole minute, finally felt the need to elaborate to help the poor souls.

"The cloud was shaped like a squirrel," he said seriously, straight-faced.

"..."

"..."

Minato opened his mouth to reprimand him for his nonsense... when he was suddenly reminded of what the child just explained. The kid _really_ needed a stress-reliever...

… That is, if he was telling the truth. The whole story is quite fantastic, after all. On one hand – judging from the creativity of the pranks, _this _is also a prank. But Itachi... is not the sort to fool around... or is he? Minato is not sure anymore. And Itachi's reasons were also very plausible when you consider them...

The pranks were fun, very so for any prankster, so any sane prankster would never turn himself in. Why would they? It was fun to see a plan go well and not get apprehended (Kushina attests to that). Perhaps Itachi, in his twisted logic, thought that turning himself in is a better way to get help than doing the sane thing and applying for therapy?

The Yondaime massaged his poor head. And here he was, planning to take the prodigy as an apprentice...

Itachi's voice cut through his thoughts, "I am not against a thorough psychological evaluation, Hokage-sama."

"Granted," Minato instantly replied.

Fugaku was not pleased. "Hokage-sama! He's not insane! He's just rebelling! He's in a phase of –"

"Fugaku-dono," Minato interjected, "just be glad that your son is intelligent or insane – no offense – enough to know that his mental health is suffering." The other Council members nodded in unison.

Fugaku seethed.

* * *

By the end of the day – and after a mind-scan by Yamanaka Inoichi – Itachi was declared unfit for shinobi duty and was ordered to meet with a psychiatrist regularly once a week for six months before being undergoing mental re-evaluation. Itachi was pleased, not minding the subsequent _wonders_ this would do to his reputation and the Clan's.

Needless to say, his father, Fugaku was not.

Anticipating that the Uchiha geezers would bicker at his father who in turn would bicker at him, Itachi hastily requested to let him move away and get his own apartment; Fugaku wouldn't allow it, but with the Hokage's support for Itachi's reason that the Uchiha compound's pressuring environment was _"unhealthy and suffocating, thus it would hinder mental recovery to sanity"_, he couldn't do a thing but obey. He cursed the heavens when he learned that the orphaned pink-haired child and her sister resided on the apartment complex that his son chose. So, to minimize his son's interactions with the children and his son's bouts to insanity, he frequently called Itachi to clan meetings.

Itachi created clones – made sturdy with a little fuuijutsu he developed with Minato-sensei loops ago – and sent them to the meetings, but when the irritating geezers kept up their accusing/demanding for a week straight, Itachi and Sakura finally decided to enact their plan.

* * *

"You think that you can take on the whole clan?!" an old fart asked Itachi for the umpteenth time.

It was all the same; Itachi would give a wonderful and patronizing speech, but as usual, their Uchiha pride can't take a hit and the question _"So you think that you can take on the whole Uchiha clan by yourself?" _or variations of it was all that they would focus on. Geezers.

"Maybe. I'm not sure. Surely?" Itachi answered, bored.

The geezers in the room were not pleased by his noncommittal answers. "Make up your mind, boy," some dried husk snarled. His father looked simultaneously worn out and murderous by the whole debacle while his mother, Shisui, and Obito gazed at him, worried.

Itachi tilted his head, thinking of the original Massacre and its background. "If Shisui and Obito are not participating to help either side and if I'm given three days to prepare, then yes."

The ancient farts looked at each other, considering. Finally, they reached some sort agreement. "Very well. The whole of the Uchiha clan would battle you, three days from no –"

"I refuse," Itachi instantly interjected, knowing that the simple word 'battle' will be thoroughly exploited by his crafty clansmen.

"You have no choi –"

"I, Uchiha Itachi," the prodigy declared without preamble, his voice commanding, his form unwavering, "challenge all of the adults of the Uchiha clan – shinobi or otherwise – barring Uchiha Shisui and Uchiha Obito, to a paintball balloon war."

Obito perked up at that. Itachi inwardly smiled; he and his wife loved this Obito.

"My objective is to 'kill' every shinobi from the opposing faction, while yours is to incapacitate or... _attempt_ to 'kill' me, if you wish."

Ooh, _some_ people twitched at the word _'attempt'_...

"A participant is considered 'dead' once all of his or her vital parts are painted," Itachi continued, surreptitiously answering Shisui's hidden and frantic ANBU codes of _"What hell, man? I know you angry with clan, but this too much! You lose pride! This madness!" _with _"Madness? This. Is. _**_SPARTA!_**_"_. Sadly, Shisui didn't understand the hand-code for_ '_**_SPARTA!_**_'_.

"Procuring hostages is not allowed. Changing clothes and taking a bath during the entire war is not permissible. Asking for help is allowed, but only if they are helping during the preparation period, not during the actual battle. All noncombatants and nonparticipants can watch, but they cannot interfere or enter the battlegrounds. At the same time, any of the participants will not be allowed to go out of the district," Itachi paused, trying to remember anything else he and his wife planned out.

"It will take place within the walls of the Uchiha district, three days from now. The battle will start at dusk and end at midnight. The winner will get three requests fulfilled. The loser will clean the district after the battle and fulfill the aforementioned requests," he finished. It was always for the better if he challenged the manipulative crones instead of the other way around.

The Elders incredulously looked at Itachi if he was serious or not.

Itachi stared them down.

Uchiha Itachi will not take their crap. _He_ will make _them_ take _his_ crap... no matter how wrong that sentence just sounded.

Irked that their prodigy could not be intimidated, the old farts immediately exploded into an all-out bickering war, causing Fugaku to massage his poor head, Mikoto to look down at the floor in shame and worry, Shisui to eye Itachi strangely with his four-pronged Sharingan, and Obito to stare at Itachi in awe like some sort of repressed fanboy. Itachi stoically sat through the storm, inwardly musing if he should let his wife take this challenge in the next non-massacre loop; Sakura always loved embarrassing trees-shoved-up-their-asses clans.

Finally, the old farts were done. Itachi looked up, noticing that the room was deathly quiet and that every occupant was now giving him their full attention.

After a long moment, one of the Elders – the one who was often the most influential in pushing the clan to revolt – smiled widely. It was creepy, but Itachi graded it as notches below Orochimaru's grin in one of his feel-good days.

* * *

Minato read the scroll containing the challenge – along with the bloody signatures of all participants – unfurled at his desk for the umpteenth time. Then he looked back up at the possibly-deranged ANBU Captain.

It was simply ridiculous. Almost the entire clan – most of whom are hardened shinobi who fought in two wars, most of whom had experience more or less than twice his years, most of whom work in the police force – will be battling a lone thirteen-year old child.

It was simply _wrong_.

But if Itachi pulled it off, the Uchiha clan will be one heck of a laughing stock. But their asses might then be filled with something else when those trees are cut down...

"Are you sure?" Minato asked tentatively, while inwardly, he was cackling in anticipation.

"Yes." Itachi answered seriously. If he wins, then Sakura will finally tell him how she managed to get the Unholy Trinity – Koharu, Utatane, Danzo – run naked in one loop! If he loses... then he simply loses. Itachi inwardly shrugged, not at all perturbed by how people thought of him; he can just write it off as a bout of insanity and come up with crazier ideas, after all.

"Do you have any strategies?" Minato asked, eager to help. The Uchiha Clan needed that long-ago-scheduled ass-whoopin', but only Itachi so far had the first opportunity to do so without much loss and preparation.

"Yes."

Minato waited, but when Itachi didn't elaborate, asked exasperatedly, "Well?"

"I'd rather not say, Hokage-sama," Itachi looked down shyly. "It's not that I don't trust you sir, but it's because I would like to ask something of you if I do manage to win the battle."

"Oh?" Minato asked, raising a brow. The... _child_... seemed to believe that his plan will work, but if it didn't, then his pride might be deeply bruised.

_Or not_, Minato mentally amended, not quite sure. _He IS somewhat unbalanced, so winning or losing may not mean anything at all... but if it is so, why do this then?_

"Yes sir," Itachi nodded. "But right now, I ask that you put your faith in me on this endeavor, though at the same time, I am knowledgeable enough to know that I won't win by my own, so even if you cannot help me with strategies, I want to ask for your help with something else, Hokage-sama." The prodigy bowed low into a dogeza.

"What is it?" Minato eyed the form kneeling down the floor up from his table.

"Please let me borrow one of your special kunai and all of the fuuijutsu scrolls and books you are willing to let me read." Itachi needed an excuse – no matter how implausible (that he learned the jutsu in three days) – to be able to use Hiraishin. He's not going to rely on that for the whole battle, though he knew that with the jutsu, the battle would be won in just a few seconds. And where's the fun in that?

"Why?" _What is this kid thinking...?_

Itachi bit his lip. "Please trust me on this, Hokage-sama," he reiterated.

Minato scrutinized the begging form on the floor. Finally, after a long moment, he spoke. "Rise," he commanded.

_There's a fine line between genius and insanity..._

* * *

.

.

* * *

**Author's Notes/Ramblings:**

~ Edited at **June 10, 2013** to appease myself with all those pesky typoes and story-telling.

~ There was supposed to be another chapter before this, but meeeeeeeeeeehhhh... :D

~ MWUHAHAHAAHA! Itachi's such a diplomatic troll, neh?

~ If you're asking why Itachi wasn't sentenced to clean up his mess, it's because they happened a week ago already, so the mess was already clean, even if they just found the perpetrator just a week later. As to why Itachi turned himself a week later, it's because he didn't want to clean up his mess. :P

~ Obviously AU, because Obito, the Uchiha Clan, Minato, and a bunch of other dead peeps were alive and all. Oh, and because I said that it was AU in the title, LOL.

~ That 'dattebayo'/'dattebane' jig is often used when mentioning Hokage-related stuff as tribute to their dear friend Naruto and dear often-foster-mom, Kushina.

~ Why was Fugaku in denial Itachi's bonkers? It's because he lives with Itachi, and he hasn't seen any suspicious behavior during that time. He believed that since he's the dad, he knows Itachi best. Although he didn't notice Itachi leaving with Hiraishin at random times...

~ And last clue! Why didn't anybody catch him when he lied? Well, besides that he had centuries of acting under his belt...

Itachi **_didn't_** lie. Most of the time.

Especially about what he has seen. Yes, that cloud _was_ shaped like a squirrel, and those other things... came from different loops... :D

~ I don't know if Yamanaka Inoichi is a clan head (or if Ino's the heir), but since there's no clear info on that, and since authors have been assuming that he's the head of his clan, then I'm assuming he is. Unless Kishimotroll says otherwise – which I bet he'll do, the troll he is.

~ Got ideas and all for the next chappies? Feel free to suggest! But do write it in this format: a six-worded sentence. Cha.

* * *

Thank you for your reviews and encouragements! Please review!

~ Lost-chan


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